HOME PAGE > ADULT LIMERICKS

A cute little thing from Bengal,
Wore newspaper to a fancy dress Ball,
The dress caught fire,
And burnt her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.

'At a séance,' said a fellow called Post,
'I was being sucked off by a ghost;
Someone switched on the lights
And there, in silk tights,
On his knees, was old Basil mine host.'

'Doc, I took your advice,' said McKnop,
'And made the wife get up on top,
Got her bouncing about,
But it kept falling out,
And the kids, much amused, made us stop.'

'I'll admit,' said a lady called Barr,
'That a penis is like a cigar;
But, in general, to people
A phallic church steeple
Is stretching the subject too far.'

'It's been a very fine day,'
Yawned Lady McDougal McKay.
'Three cherry tarts,
At least twenty farts,
Two shits and a bloody good lay.'

'It's dull in Duluth, Minnesota,
Of spunk there is not an iota,'
Complained Alice to Joe,
Who tried not to show
That he yawned as he poked with his bloater.

'Last night,' said a lady called Ruth,
'In a long-distance telephone booth,
I enjoyed the perfection
Of an ideal connection -
I was screwed, if you must know the truth.'

'My back aches, my penis is sore.
I simply can't fuck any more.
I'm dripping with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And, my God! it's quarter past four!'

A beautiful girl was Hortense.
The size of her breasts was immense.
One day playing soccer
Out popped her left knocker
And she kicked it right over the fence.

A caddy called Tommy the Tough
Had an heiress way out in the rough.
He said, 'Let's not fuck,
Let's you and me suck.'
And he buried his head in her muff.

A cardinal living in Rome
Had a Renaissance bath in his home.
He would savour the nudes
As he worked up his moods,
In emulsions of semen and foam.

A considerate stripper called Jane
Donned a skirt of thin cellophane.
When asked why she wore it
She said, 'I abhor it,
But my cunt juice would spatter like rain.'

A copper from Old Clapham Junction,
Whose organ had long ceased to function,
Deceived his dear wife
For the rest of her life
With the aid of his constable's truncheon.

A dancer who came from Darjeeling
Could perform with such sensuous feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around,
Save of fly buttons hitting the ceiling.

A darling princess from St Perrier,
Had a snatch that grew hairier and hairier
When the king of Peru
Wanted a screw
He had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

A dentist residing in Rhyl,
Was a demon when it came to the drill.
But instead of the mouth,
He would place it due south,
After knocking them out with a pill.

A desperate young lady named Sandy
Had legs that were ever so bandy
And it took a huge truck
Just to give her a fuck
Whilst the driver got a topless hand-shandy

A detective called Ellery Queen
Had olfactory powers so keen,
He can tell at a flash
By sniffing a gash
Who the previous tenant has been.

A dirty old man from Khartoum,
Lured an innocent girl to his room.
He not only fucked her,
He buggered and sucked her,
And left her impaled on a broom.

A dirty young fucker (a Banker)
had crabs, pox, syph and a chancre
he caught all four from a rancid old whore
he should have just stayed being a wanker

A disgusting young man called McGill
Made his neighbours exceedingly ill,
When they heard of his habits
Involving white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill.

A do it your-selfer named Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus
They found her vagina in South Carolina
And part of her anus in Dallas

A farmer was eating a haddock
While digging a hole in his paddock
He slipped with the fish
That weren't on a dish
And cut off his balls with a mattock

A flaccid young fella called Smiff
Spent February wondering if
He spent all of March
With his dick soaked in starch
In April it might get more stiff.

A forward young man with a fiddle
Asked a young fan, 'Do you diddle?'
She replied, 'Yes, I do,
But prefer it with two -
It's twice as much fun in the middle.'

A frustrated young cowboy named Grange
Met a wizened old whore on the range
He said "I'm needing a fuck
But I've only one buck"
She said "That's quite alright, I give change"

A geologist called Doctor Robb
Was perturbed by the urge in his knob,
So he pulled out his prick
And jerked off his wick,
Then calmly went on with his job.

A girl once got fucked by a dog
it stuck its dick deep in her bog
she turned without fail
the dog wagged its tail
and she gurgled down all of its sprog

A golfer missed out on his goal,
As his putt, it continued to roll.
But in a way it was funny,
It reminded him of cunny,
That's when he liked to lip out the hole.

A group of blind lesbians were bunchin'
Together to have a big luncheon.
But no one could tell,
Except by the smell,
Exactly whose cunt each was munchin'!

A grubby young harlot called Schwartz
Had a cunt that was covered in warts.
They tickled so nice
She'd command a high price
From the blokes in the summer resorts.

A harlot from Newcastle-on-Tyne
Used to peddle her arse down the line.
She first got a crown,
But her value went down -
Now she'll fuck you for ten pence or nine.

A hooker of note called Miss Flux
would charge at least 200 bucks
but for that she would suck you
and jerk off and fuck you
the whole thing was simply De-luxe

A horny old miser called Fletcher
Grew tired of being known as a lecher.
In a spasm of meanness
He cut off his penis,
And now he regrets it, I bet'cha.

A horny old wino called Jim
Went out on the prowl for some quim
He couldn't find none
Except for the bum
Of the homo they called Loose Tim

A horny young fellow called Rick,
Liked to feel a girl’s hand on his prick.
He liked them to fool,
With his tiny wee tool,
‘Till his undersized member was sick.

A horrid small girl in Madrid,
A most insensitive kid,
Told her Auntie Louise
That her cunt smelled of cheese,
And the worst of it was that it did!

A jaded young man from Darjeeling
Had a tool that reached up to the ceiling.
In the electric light socket
He'd stick it and rock it,
My word! What a wonderful feeling!

A lad of extremely high station
Was found by a prudish relation
Making love in a ditch
To - I won't say a bitch -
But a woman of no reputation.

A lady who thought sex a treat
Thought a gang-bang would make life complete.
Fifteen men and a dog
All went the whole hog,
And she left a snail trail down the street.

A lady with features cherubic
was famed for her area pubic
When asked of its size
she exclaimed in suprise
Why Sir
In square feet or cubic.

A lascivious fellow called Lees
Loved to give his poor cock a long squeeze.
This continual friction
Made real sex a mere fiction,
But his phallus hung down to his knees.

A lascivious lady from Sidney
Could take fucking right up to her kidney.
But a chap from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck.
He had a real beauty, now didn't he?

A lascivious parson named Binns
Liked to talk of loose women and things.
But his secret desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bottom like jelly on springs.

A lecher who lived in Bombay
Had fashioned a cunt out of clay.
The heat from his prick
Fired the damn thing to brick,
And abraded his foreskin away.

A lewd Northumbrian Druid
Had a mind so filthy and lewd,
He woke from a trance
With his hand in his pants
On a lump of cold seminal fluid.

A liberal lass from Blackheath
Chose to fuck an old man with her teeth.
She complained that he stunk,
Not so much from the spunk,
But his arsehole was just underneath.

A little yellow bird,
With a little yellow bill,
Sat upon my window sill,
I coaxed it in with a little piece of bread,
Then i caved in its little yellow head.

A lonely old lady called May
Used to stroll in the park 'cross the way.
There she met a young man
Who fucked her and ran -
Now she goes to the park every day.

A loony young fellow from Mecca,
Discovered a record from Decca,
Which he spun on his thumb
(These eccentrics are dumb)
While he needled the disc with his pecca.

A lusty young ranger from Maine
With no woman for years had he lain.
He found sublimation
At a high elevation
In the crotch of a pine - God, the pain!

A maiden who dwelled in Palm Springs
Had her maidenhead torn into strings
By a hideous Kurd,
And although it's absurd,
When the wind blows through it, it sings.

A man with a gigantic prick
Was opening cans for a kick
He slipped with the lid
'twas the last one he did
'cause he sliced off a third of his dick

A massive minge eater was he,
Till he dined on a cunt with V.D.
His throat was all burned,
And his stomach it churned,
Then he showed her what he'd had for tea.

A mathematician named Hall,
had a hexagonal ball.
The cube of it's weight,
times his pecker, plus eight,
was four fifths of five eighths of fuck all.

A miserly man named McEwan
Inquired, 'Why bother with screwing?
It's safer and cleaner
To polish your wiener,
And besides, you can see what you're doing.'

A modern young lady named Hall
Went out to a birth control ball.
She was carrying pessaries
And other accessories,
But no one approached her at all

A modest young maiden called Wilde
Sought to keep herself undefiled
By thinking of Jesus,
Contagious diseases,
And the bother of having a child.

A naval commander from Troon,
Had a pink arse just like a baboon.
And when he was steamin',
He'd fill it with seamen,
Then sail away on the full moon.

A ne'er-do-well fellow from Brent
Had his wife fuck the landlord for rent.
But as her cunt dried,
The landlord's lust died,
And now they camp out in a tent.

A newly-wed couple called Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean,
Through eighty positions,
Their complex coitions
Demonstrated their fucking devotion.

A notorious hooker called Hearst
In the weakness of men is well versed.
Reads a sign by the head
Of her often used bed:
'The customer always comes first'.

A novice, young priest fresh and green,
Was introduced to perversions obscene.
All manner of thuggery,
Rape, theft and buggery,
Were committed by his Holiness the Dean.

A Paris-based artist named Sayer
As a cubist was really quite fair.
He searched all his life
To find him a wife
Possessed of a cunt that was square.

A pathetic appellant in Reno
Was as chaste as the Holy Bambino,
For she'd married a slicker
Who much preferred liquor
And scorned her ripe maraschino.

A pervert who lived in Khartoum
Was exceedingly fond of the womb.
He thought nothing finer
Than a woman's vagina,
And kept three or four in his room.

A phobic young virgin called Flvnn
Shouted before she gave in:
'It isn't the deed,
Or the fear of the seed,
But the big worm that's shedding it's skin!'

A policeman from near Bondi Junction,
Had a penis that just wouldn't function,
For the rest of his life,
He misled his poor wife,
With some snot on the end of his truncheon.

A Policeman from near Clapham Junction
Had a penis that just wouldn't function
For the rest of his life
He misled his poor wife
With some snot on the end of his truncheon

A pooftah who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with what, and to whom.

A pox-ridden lady called Rix
Was enamoured of sucking large pricks.
One fellow she took
Was a doctor called Crook
Now he's in one hell of a fix.

A preposterous King of Siam
Said, 'For women I don't give a damn.
But a fat-bottomed boy
Is my glee and my joy -
They call me a bugger - I am!'

A pretty young laundress called Spangle
Had tits tilting up at an angle.
'They may tickle my chin,'
She said, with a grin,
'But at least they stay clear of the mangle.'

A price-conscious hooker called Annie
Whose tariff was fair, but quite canny:
A pound for a fuck,
Fifty pence for a suck,
And two bob for a feel of her fanny.

A priest who lived in Morroco
Had a motto that was really quite macho
He said, "To be blunt
God decreed I eat cunt --
Why else would it look like a taco??"

A prudish young maiden called Rose
Is particular how men propose.
When they say, 'Intercourse?'
She answers. 'Of course,'
But to 'Fuck?' she just turns up her nose.

A prudish young maiden from Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
'Til a Spanish grandee
Got her hot with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.

A prudish young woman from Ealing,
Professed to lack sexual feeling.
But a cynic called Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped off the ceiling.

A quiet young man living in Gwent
To Boots for some condoms was sent
But not having a clue
Of what they could do
He just rolled one on backwards and went!

A rampant young knave from Ostend
Let a pretty girl play with his end.
She took hold of Rover,
And felt it all over,
And it did what she didn't intend.

A randy young fellow called Reg
Was jerking off under a hedge.
The gardener drew near
With a large pruning shear,
And lopped off the edge of his wedge.

A reckless young woman from France
Had no qualms about taking a chance,
But considered it crude
To get screwed in the nude,
So she always went home with damp pants.

A remarkable race are the Persians,
They do have so many diversions.
They screw the whole day
In the regular way,
And save up the night for perversions.

A scandal involving an oyster
Sent the Countess of Clewes to a cloister,
She preferred it, in play,
To the Count, they all say,
Being longer, and stronger, and moister.

A sensible bounder called Frisk
Had a method of screwing that's brisk.
The idea was: 'If
The bitch has the syph,
This way I'm reducing the risk.'

A shortsighted motorist called Flo,
Through a red traffic light she did go.
On spotting sh'd no spectacles,
The policeman rubbed his testicles,
And whipped out his cock and said "blow".

A similar young tart from Mandaley,
Douched with the new rotary spray.
Said she, 'Ah, that's better
I've found that French letter
That's been missing since Armistice Day.'

A singular lady called Grace
Had eyes in a very strange place.
She could sit on the hole
Of a mouse or a mole
And stare the beast straight in the face.

A snuff-sniffing Turk said, "With ease-
I can stifle the loudest sneeze"
But one day in church
His asshole let go
And he shit his pants full to his knees

A squeamish young student named Brand
Adored caressing his gland.
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.

A steroid freak chick from Deleeze
Had a clit that hung down to her knees
She said "Look here quick,
This could pass for a dick,
If my cunt wasn't crawling with fleas.

A strange old man name named VonCliver
Worked daily as a honey bee hiver;
Until he got stung
Right on the tongue
And no longer could be a muff diver

A strapping young golfer though good
Just couldn't please his wife like he should
So grabbing his putter
Turned her twat into butter
'Fore knocking a slice with his wood

A student of music from Sparta
Was a truly magnificent farter;
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

A student who hailed from St John's
Badly wanted to bugger the swans.
'Oh no,' said the porter,
'Please bugger my daughter,
Them swans is reserved for the Dons.'

A Sunday school student in Mass
Soon rose to the top of the class,
By getting things right,
And sleeping the night
With his tongue up the clergyman's ass.

A taxi-cab whore out at Iver,
Would do the round trip for a fiver,
It was good value too,
A sight-see, a screw,
And a 50-cent tip for the driver.

A tidy young girl from Berlin
Chose to eke out a living through sin.
Although she loved fucking,
She much preferred sucking,
And wiped off the pricks with her chin.

A timid young maiden from Thrace
Said, 'Darling! That's not the right place!'
So he gave her a smack,
And did on her back
What he couldn't have done face to face.

A tip for you jaded old souls:
Try changing the usual roles.
The backwards position
Is nice for coition
And offers the choice of two holes.

A torrid young man from Liverpool
Had so hot and tumescent a tool
That each female crater
Explored by this satyr
Seemed almost unpleasantly cool.

A very young maid from Peru
Had nothing whatever to do,
So she sat on the stairs
And counted cunt hairs -
Six thousand, four hundred and two.

A vicar advised Barbara Lennin,
'A kiss of your cunt isn't sinnin'.'
And he stuck to his story
'Til he tasted the gory
And menstruous state that she was in.

A vice both obscure and unsavoury
Kept the Bishop of Chester in slavery.
Amidst terrible howls
He deflowered young owls
In a crypt fitted out as an aviary.

A vigorous whore from Warsaw,
Fucked all her customers raw.
She would punt with her cunt,
And thump with her rump,
And suck every prick that she saw.

A weakling who lacked protoplasm
Sought to give his young wife an orgasm,
But his tongue jumped the gap
'Twixt the front and the back,
And got pinched in a bad anal spasm.

A weary old lecher named Blott
Took a luscious young blonde on his yacht.
Too lazy to rape her,
He made darts out of paper,
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.

A well-endowed fellow called Dannv
The size of whose prick was uncanny,
Made his wife, the poor dear,
Take it into her ear,
And it came out the hole in her fanny.

A well-endowed man from Toledo
Was cursed with excessive libido.
To bugger and screw,
Take fellatio too,
Were the three major points of his credo.

A willing Scots lass called McFargle,
Without coaxing and such argy-bargle,
Would suck a man's pud
Just as hard as she could,
And save up the sperm for a gargle.

A woman from North Carolina
Said, "nothing could be more finer
Than to have a man cum
Right up my bum
While his friend finger-fucks my vagina!

A woman who lived in a spinney
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh or whinny.
The hunting set hopped her,
Fucked, buggered, then dropped her
When the pitch of her organ went tinny.

A worn out old hooker called Tupps,
Was heard to confess in her cups,
"The height of my folly,
Was fucking a collie,
But I got a good price for the pups."

A worn out young hooker from Rome
Was fatigued from her toes to her dome.
Eight soldiers came screwing,
But she said, 'Nothing doing;
One of you has to go home!'

A worried lad from Blackpool,
Discovered red marks on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
'Get out of my clinic,
And wipe off the lipstick, you fool!'

A worried young man from Stamboul,
Found loads of red spots on his tool,
Said his doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic,
And rub off the lipstick, you fool!"

A worried young man from Stamboul,
Once discovered red spots on his tool
Said the doctor,a cynic
Get out of my clinic!
And wipe off the lipstick, you fool!

A Yogi who lived in Beirut,
About women could not care a hoot,
But his organ would stand
In a manner most grand,
When a snake-charmer played on his flute.

A young lady got married in Chester,
Her mother she kissed and she blessed her.
Says she, 'You're in luck,
He's a bloody good fuck,
For I had him myself down in Leicester.'

A young lass from North Carolina,
Had a most capricious vagina:
To startle the tucker
'Twould suddenly pucker,
And whistle the chorus of Dinah.

A young man from Bethnall Green
Wasn't weaned until nearly sixteen.
He said, 'I'll admit
There's no milk in the tit,
But think of the fun it has been.'

A young man who once lived in Briggen
Went to sea to recover from frigging.
But after a week
As they climbed the forepeak
He buggered the mate in the rigging.

A young man with passions quite gingery,
Tore a hole in his sisters best lingere,
He slapped her behind,
And made up his mind,
To add incest to insult and injury!

A young man with passions quite gingery
Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie.
He spanked her behind
And made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.

A young matelot new to Brighton
Remarked to his girl, 'You've a tight one.'
She replied, 'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole -
There's plenty of room in the right one.'

A young sky diver named sherm
jumped out with his cock long and firm
two jerks and a spasm,
he had an orgasm
and spelled out "i love you" in sperm.

A young violinist from Rio
Was seducing a lady named Cleo.
As she slipped off her panties
She said, 'No andantes;
I want this allegro con brio!'

A young woman from Manchesteter,
Said to the man who undressed her,
'I think you will find
That it's better behind,
The front is beginning to fester.'

A zoologist's daughter from Ewing
Birthed a fine fritillary blue-wing.
Her father said, 'Flo,
What I want to know
Isn't whether, but what you've been screwing.'

Alas, the poor Duchess of Kent!
Her cunt is amazingly bent.
The poor thing doth stammer,
'I need a sledgehammer
To pound a man into my vent!'

An absent minded girl name of Dee
Saw gelatinous globs in her pee
She started to squirm
Then remembered his worm
Said, "Oh yeah he was cummin' in me!"

An Admiral of old called Horatio
Was inordinately fond of fellatio.
He kept accurate track
Of the boys he'd attack,
And called it his cock-sucking ratio.

An adventurous lad from Kildare
Was fucking a girl on the stair.
The banister broke,
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.

An adventurous lady from Troy
Invented a new kind of joy:
She sugared her quim,
And frosted the rim,
And then had it sucked by a boy.

An agreeable girl called Miss Doves
Likes to fondle the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.

An ambitious young woman in Reno,
Lost most of her money on keeno.
But she lay on her back
And opened her crack,
And now she owns all the casino.

An American President named Bill
Had an unusual position to fill
Not only to screw the public
But to screw IN public
Every woman in sight ... except Hil

An ancient but jolly old bloke
Once picked up a lass for a poke;
He wore her plum out
With his fucking about,
Then he shit in her shoe for a joke.

An ancient old tart from Silesia,
Said she, 'As my cunt doesn't please ya,
You might as well come
Up my slimy old bum,
But beware that my tapeworm don't seize ya.'

An ancient old whore named McGee
Was just the right sort for a spree.
Said she, 'For a fuck
I charge half a buck,
And throw in the arsehole for free.'

An apprentice young stud from Purdue
Who was only just learning to screw,
Found he hadn't the knack,
He was much too far back -
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.

An Arab called Abou ben Adhem
Thus cautioned a travelling madam,
'I suffer from crabs
As do most us Arabs.'
'It's alright,' said madam, 'I've had 'em.'

An Asian who loved to eat nookie
was considerably more than a rookie.
He said, with a frown, as he dove on back down,
"I wish they make snatch fortune cookie!"

An astonishing tribe are the Sweenies,
Renowned for the length of their peenies.
The hair on their balls
Sweeps the floors of their halls,
But they don't care for women, the meanies.

An astronomer slept in the sun,
Then woke with his fly quite undone.
He remarked, with a smile,
'Hoorah! A sundial!
And it's now a quarter past one.'

An attractive young girl from Des Moines
Had a very large sack full of coins.
The nickels and dimes
She had earned from the times
That she cradled young lads in her loins.

An Aussie boxer, a yobo
Was subjected to too many low blows;
His voice changed it pitch
So now he's a bitch
A faggot, a queer, a homo!!

An eager young fellow from Norway,
Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh.
But the air was so frigid
It froze his balls rigid
And all he produced was frappe.

An elderly bishop from Brest
Quite openly practised incest.
'My sisters and nieces
Are all dandy pieces,
And don't cost a sou,' he confessed.

An elderly chap from Tagore
Wished to try out his cook as a whore.
He used Bridget's twidget
To fidget his digit,
And now she won't cook any more.

An elegant fellow, young Saul,
He was able to bounce either ball.
He could stretch 'em and snap 'em,
And juggle and clap 'em,
Which earned him the plaudits of all.

An elegant roue called Scott
Took a horny young maid to his yacht.
But too lazy to rape her,
He made darts of brown paper,
Which he languidly flew at her twat

An enormous Texan had sworn,
That he was the Texan Longhorn.
Then a Scotsman called Jock,
Showed him his twelve-inch cock,
Leaving the Texan forlorn.

An enormously fat girl, Regina,
Employed a young water diviner,
To play a slick trick
With his prick as a stick,
To help her locate her vagina.

An experienced hooker, Arlene,
Said, 'Give me a lad of eighteen.
His pecker gets harder,
There's more cream in his larder,
And he fucks with a vigour obscene.'

An impoverished fellow from Yale
Had a face that was notably pale.
He spent his vacation
In self-masturbation
Because of the high cost of tail.

An incorrigible clown from St James
Indulged in the jolliest games;
He lighted the rim
Of his grandmother's quim,
And guffawed as she pissed through the flames.

An indelicate fellow from Ealing,
Was devoid of all sociable feeling.
When a sign on the door
Read, 'Don't shit on the floor',
He jumped up and shat on the ceiling.

An indelicate lady called Bruce,
She captured her man with a ruse:
She packed up her fuselage
With a good, viscous mucilage,
And he never could prise himself loose.

An indolent fellow called Blood
Made his fortune by being a stud,
With a fifteen inch whang
And bollocks that clang
And a load like the Biblical flood.

An innocent maid from Penzance
Decided to take just one chance.
So she let herself go
In the lap of her beau,
And now all her sisters are aunts.

An innocent maiden from Maine
Declared she'd a man on the brain.
But you knew from the view
Of the way her waist grew,
It was not on her brain he had lain.

An innovative fellow called Hunt
Trained his prick to perform a neat stunt:
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out
Like a glove, and be used as a cunt.

An inquisitive chap from Lapland
Was informed that fucking was grand.
But at his first trial
He said with a smile,
'I've had the same feeling by hand.'

An insatiable lady from Spain,
Had multiple sex on the brain.
She liked it again,
And again, and again,
And again, and again, and again.

An insatiable nymph from Penzance,
Got on a bus to Northants.,
Five others fucked her,
Beside the conductor,
And the bus driver came in his pants.

An intrepid young Frenchman called Rhemmes
Was attempting to fuck on a tandem.
At the peak of the make
She slammed on the brake,
And scattered his semen at random.

An old couple at Eastertide
Were having a bit when he died.
The wife for a week
Sat tight on his peak,
And bounced up and down as she cried.

An orgasm it can be fine
A multiple one is divine
But if you should moan
And it's not your own
You faked it you bullshitting swine.

An overworked hooker once said:
I must change the sheets on my bed
I've developed a rash
on the lips of my gash
and the inside's all puffy and red

An ugly schoolteacher named Anne,
Was in desperate need of a man.
She begged the old janny,
To lick out her fanny,
But he said, "No - I don't think I can?"

An unfortunate chap from Port Said
Once fell down a toilet and died.
His unhappy mother
She fell down another;
And now they're interred side by side.

An unfortunate pirate called Bates
Liked to do the fandango on skates.
But he fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

An unusual chap, I should mention,
Has a hair-lined lower intestine.
Though exceedingly fine
In the buggery line,
It's notoriously poor for digestin'.

An unusual man from Kutki
Could wank himself off with one eye.
For a while, though, he pined
When his eyeball declined
To function because of a stye.

An unusual nurse from Japan
Lifted men by their pricks to the pan.
A trick of jujitsu,
And either it shits you,
Or makes you feel more of a man.

An unusual woman called Creek
Had taught her vagina to speak.
It was frequently liable
To quote from the Bible,
But when fucking - not even a squeak!

An unwashed young girl from the Klondike
Had a body that was worth quite a long hike.
And her face isn't bad,
Yet she's never been had,
'Cos her cunt has a smell very cod-like.

Another fellow - called Dave -
When he found that dead whore in the cave,
Said. 'I'll go first,
And if she doesn't burst,
I'll come to the entrance and wave.'

Another mate named big Pete,
can perform a magical fete,
with a laugh and a chuckle,
he undoes his belt buckle,
and lets his penis roll out to his feet!!!!!!!!

Another young maid from New York
Chose to plug up her cunt with a cork.
A woodpecker or two
Made the grade, it is true,
But it utterly baffled the stork.

Anthropologists up with the Sioux
Cabled home for two punts, one canoe.
The answer next day,
Said, 'Girls on their way,
But what the hell's a "panoe"?'

As he rolled off the young girl he said
You're the first one I've had in this bed
Though I've had twenty more, down there on the floor
And shagged forty-three in the shed.

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde, and long;
Who notices that she's mostly wrong;
One who sucks AND doesn't speak;
And promises to do so once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
Because one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor;
And once I'm done, she begs for more.

As little John starts to unwind
Robin takes him from behind
and so they frolic in the grass
Robin rams it up his arse

Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
If dicks weren't invented
how could we fuck.

At night when all the robbing was done
The merry men would have some fun
In fact it would be fair to say
The merry men were rather gay

Before they were allowed to enter
or even take a look,
each one had to hang their asshole
in the hallway on a hook.

Bless this guy I truly love.
Bless his hair that sometimes curls;
Keep him away from other girls.
Bless his hands that sometimes roam;
Let them roam on me alone.
Bless his legs that run so fast;
Bless his little sexy ass.
Bless the places where we laid;
Bless the gap which he has made.
Bless the places where we fucked;
Bless my breast on which he sucked.
Bless the places that were dark;
Bless my neck on which he marked.
Bless the thickness of his sperm;
Protect it from numeral germs.
Bless his body I love to quench;
Bless his tongue I love to french.
Bless my voice for when I squeal;
Bless his penis I love to feel.
Bless his ass I love to squeeze;
Bless his balls I love to please.
And if he reads this prayer of mine;
I hope it blows his fucking mind.

Cannibals on the isle of St. Tits
ate barbequed clerics with grits
when they came the balls
they ate 'em scrotum and all
but with arms they spat out the pits

Ching chong china man went to milk a cow
ching chong china man didnt know how.
ching chong china men pulled the wrong tit,
ching chong china man covered in shit!!!!

Dirty old Bob from Vancouver,
had a very special manuever,
if he didn't get fucked,
he made sure he got sucked,
just by flickin the switch on his Hoover

Fanny Morgan has a cunt on her like an organ
and the hairs on her dickeydyedo hang down to her knees.
one black one, one white one and one with a bit of shite on
and the hairs on her dickeydyedo hang down to her knees.

For all the words that are written here
you'd think that Shakespeare once shit here
for what they say,could be true
for Shakespeare had an arshole too.......

Fuck me quick, fuck me deep, fuck me oft,
In the bog, in the bath, in the loft,
Up my arse, up my cunt,
From behind, from in front,
With your best, stiffest stand, nothing soft.

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
Jacked-off in his girlfriends eye
When the eye was dried and shut
Geogie fucked that one-eyed slut

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
he kissed them too,
'cause he was gay

Growing tired of her husband's great mass,
A young bride inserted some glass.
The cock of her hubby
Is now short and stubby,
And the wife can piss out of her arse.

Have you heard the sad tale of young Lockett?
He was blown off his feet by a rocket.
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his arse,
And his penis was found in his pocket.

Having been let out of my cage
I went to Kev's homepage
Without having to think,
I clicked on the link
That led to sound bytes most depraved
Eager to hear something corny
I clicked on "Darlin' I'm so Horny"
I have to admit,
that I fuckin near shit
Keep up the good work, I implore ye :)

He stood on the bridge at midnight,
He sood there all aquiver,
He gave a cough
and his prick fell off,
And floated down the river.

Here I sit among this bliss
listening to the falling piss
now and then a fart is heard
followed by a rumbling turd

Here I sit in my stinky sweet vapor
cause some bastard ripped off the toilet paper
gotta go to work
no time to linger
lookout asshole here comes my finger

Here I sit shittin' nothing but sperms
And my arse hole it bloody well burns
I'd heard that in jail
You'd get plenty of tail
But I didn't know you fuckin' took turns

Here lies the body of a man named Brock
Who was born with a corkscrew cock
He spent his life in the hunt
For a woman with a corkscrew cunt
When he found her he dropped down dead
For the bitch had a left hand thread

Here's to a woman, that beautiful vine,
she blooms once a month, and bears once in nine.
She is the only creature this side of hell,
that can take juice from a nut, without breaking the shell.

Here's to the girl who's afraid of men
Screwed herself with a fountain pen
The pen broke and the ink went wild
And she gave birth to a coloured child

Here's to the woman I loved the best.
I fucked her east and I fucked her west.
I loved her so much she's not forgotten.
I dug her up and fucked her rotten.

Hickory is the hardest wood
Fucking does a woman good
It opens her eyes,makes her wise
And gives her ass exercise

Hickory, Dickory, Dock
A Bitch Was Suckin Ma Cock
Da Clock Struck Two
Me Squirted Ma Goo
Den Wiped Me Dick On Her Frock

Hickory, Dickory, Dock
The cat sat on my cock....
It wasn't much fun
So I taped up its bum...
and shot a great wad of cum

Hickory,Dickory,dock
A bitch was suckin my cock,
our hair got tangled,
The bitch got strangled,
But luckily she swallowed the lot!

Humpty Dumpty Fucked a fat whore,
Humpty Dumpty spunked on the floor,
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
Bent the bitch over and fucked her again.

Humpty Dumpty fucked a fat whore,
humpty dumtpy blew on the floor.
so all da kings horses and all da kings men,
laid da bitch down and fucked her again.

I can't believe that we both shagged, you should be wearing concrete shoes or simpley bound and gagged. If I ever get a girl I'll never get bone, coz of the time you had me up against the wall...

I could hear the faint buzz of a bee
As it buried its sting deep in me.
Her arse it was fine
But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.

I find that fucking the dead
Is easier when they've been bled
There's much less palaver
From a dried out cadaver
And less of a stain on the bed.

I have an old friend named Dave,
Fine ladies panties he craves,
half a bottle of Scotch,
and the sniff of a crotch,
then bye bye to his jism he waves.

I invited an old whore to tea,
And as we were discussing her fee
She gave me a shock,
when she pulled out her cock,
And announced she would fuck me for free.

I knew a girl named Heather
her cunt was made out of leather
she attracted the boys
by making a noise
by slapping her piss flaps together

I knew a young girl from Bermuda,
She thought she was shrewd, I was shrewda,
She thought it was crude
To be wooed in the nude,
I pursueda, subdueda and screwda

I knew a young man from Aberystwyth
who just wasn't safe to get pissed with
When he'd had too much beer
He'd go down the pier
looking for sailors to fist with

I know of a story that's fraught
With disaster - of balls that got caught,
When a chap took a crap
In the woods, when a trap
Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought.

I like keeping an eye on the clock
Whilst wanking my load in a sock
But my dear darling wife
Could save me this strife
If only she'd suck on my cock

I love her in her evening gown,
I love her in her nightie,
When moonlight flits
Across her tits -
Jesus Christ Almighty!

I met a girl from Japan,
She never fucked an Aussie man,
I fucked her once,
I fucked her twice,
I ate her pussy like creamed fried rice.

I met a young maiden called Sue
Who swore to me she didn't screw.
I bet her a quid that she would, and she did.
I like a small wager, don't you?

I once knew a man from calls
who had tiny balls
and then masturbation
became a frustration
when his balls dropped off in the falls

I once knew a man named Bill
who swallowed a dynamite pill
They found his arse
in bull pass
and his balls in broken hill

I once knew this bloke from Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born
And he wouldn't have been
If his Father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn

I once met a girl who's a spastic
but whose tits were amazing, fantastic
when I pissed in her ring
she giggled and grinned
my god was that rectum elastic!

I once met a retarded young soul
who had accepted his life on the whole
he was a happy young lad
so I felt kinda bad
when i put both my balls in his hole

I once new a woman named Cherie,
Who had a terrifically big cherry.
Her hole was so big,
you could drive in a rig,
and come out on the great ship Queen Mary.

I once screwed a girl with a really big gash.
My mate Edd, said he'd like a bash.
Now he's real short,
But she, being a good sport,
Told him to hang on so he didn't disappear in a flash.

I picked up this girl at the club
stuck my face in her snatch for a rub
but her tampon fell out
and I left with a shout
then gave my red face a good scrub

I recall an old man from Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose
And his fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.

I tried to go, walk out the door, but I laughed so hard at your fat ass I'd fallen to the floor. Your guts a hairy mess it's just a broken-out disgrace, but I'd rather look at that then your friggin' ugly face...

I want to go, I've got to leave, your talk of chicken legs and gay porn make me want to heave. I only know I've got to stop my drinking beer, coz when I woke up beside you I realized I hadn't worn any rubber when I wedged it in your flubber..

I wanted my gal to deep throat
So she practiced for weeks on a goat
Now she won't suck my meat
Less I let out a bleat
Now ain't that a hell of a note

I was born with a slight birth defect
A penis that when erect
Was longer by three
Inches than me
And which no one saw fit to correct

I was on Kev's Paper Bag Page, lookin' at all those tits.
My missus came home and started havin' blue fits.
She said "You've got a nerve,
You fuckin' old perve."
She wouldn't believe I wasn't havin' a wank lookin' at all them pink bits.

I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda.
I was rude, but my God! she was ruder.
She said it was crude
To be wooed in the nude.
I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her.

I'm a mean mother fucker from the Congo Land
walking through the jungle with my dick in my hand
Looked up, what did I see
big nigger in a tree tryin to piss on me
picked up a rock
dinged him on the cock
damned fuken nigger done a belly flop

I'm happy I'm American
I'm happy that I'm free
But oh how I wish I was a dog
And Clinton was a tree.

If all you shithouse poets die
There will be erected in the sky
A fitting tribute to your wit
A monument of solid shit........

If you're speaking of actions immoral,
Then how about giving the laurel
To doughty Queen Esther,
No three men could best her -
One fore, one aft, and one oral.

In days of old
when knights were bold
and rubbers weren't invented
They wrapped a sock around their cock
and babies were prevented!

In days of old
when knights when bold
and paper wasn't invented
men plucked grass to wipe there arse
and had to be contented

In days of old
when knights when bold
and toilets weren't invented
they stuck there bums
in kerosine drums
and walked away contented.

In days of old,
When Knights were bold,
And rubbers weren't invented,
They tied a knot in their cock,
And fucked until contented!

In fourteen hundred and ninety two
Columbus sailed the ocean blue
He hit a rock and broke his cock
and pissed all over the crew!

In spite of a fearsome disease
O'Reilly went down on his knees
Before altars of gods,
Whores, boys and large dogs -
And all this for very small fees.

In the dark, the girl's innocent chum
Misdirected his dick up her bum.
Being told gently so,
The lad piped, "Penis? No!
This is how I've stopped sucking my thumb!"

In the garden of eden was Adam,
complacently stroking his madam,
he smiled with a myrth
for on all of the earth
there were only two balls and he had 'em.

In these lim'ricks every line has been clean;
Not a word was profane or obscene,
Or spelled in four letters
That might pain our betters,
Or snafu--if you know what i mean.

It is a delight here in Lancs.,
To walk up the green river banks.
One time, in the grass
I stepped on an arse,
And heard a young girl murmur, 'Thanks!'

It's a big one and no mistake
About twenty four inches, give or take
It's difficult to sit
Without sitting on it
And erections give me a headache

It's recorded that Emperor Titius
Had a preference for pleasures most vicious.
He took two of his nieces
And fucked them to pieces,
And thought it completely delicious.

It's time to go, walk out the door, you are so fat It really should be against the law, I have to give up all the booze, and have no stupid fun, coz I'm stuck in your fat bum.

I’ve heard that it is quite nutritious
but I’ve always been rather suspicious
so I gave it a shot
and came quite a lot
and the taste, ill admit, was delicious

Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick Jill's fanny
Jack came down with a big massive frown
'cos he didn't know she was a tranie

Jack and Jill went up the hill
they each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two and a half,
THEY SURE DIDN'T GO UP FOR WATER!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to have some hanky panky
silly Jill forgot the pill
and now there's a little Frankie

Jane met a young man for some action.
His foreplay gave her satisfaction.
They enjoined in coition
In the strangest position,
And his femur is now up in traction.

Jill stitched up a thing of soft leather,
And topped off the end with a feather.
When she poked it inside her
She flew like a glider,
And gave up her lover forever.

Kev's a bloke we all love.
He'll give any woman a shove.
He sings about fucking.
And drinking and sucking.
And there's fuck all he won't lie on top of.

Kevin once dated this chick
up her skirt his hand he did stick
she let out a chuckle
but his knees they did buckle
because in his hand were two balls and a dick

Kisses spread germs
germs are hated
so kiss me babe
I'm vaccinated.

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
what Kaczynski must surely have known:
that an intern is better
than a bomb in a letter
given the choices of how to be blown!

Little birdy in the gutter
cannot flitter cannot flutter
cannot fly cannot sing
I think i'll kill the the fucking thing

Little Bo Bit has lost her clit,
So she went and asked her granny,
She said it's down there in amongst the hair,
Just above your fanny...

Little Bo Peep has lost all her sheep,
No wonder the poor chick looks worried,
The flock wandered into a takeaway joint,
And the owner's just had em all curied!

Little Jack Horner sat in the corner
Fucking his cutie pie
Stuck in his thumb
And made the bitch cum
And said 'A hell of a thing am I'.

Little miss Muffet,
wanked on a tuffet
wiv a dildo the size of her arm.
Along came a nigger
whose cock was much bigger
and did her some permanent harm.

Little miss muffet,
sat of her tuffet,
eating her curds and whey,
along came a spider and sat down beside her,
and she crushed the little fucker with a spoon.

Little miss muffet,
sat on a tuffet
knickers all tattered and torn
it wasn't the spider
that sat down beside her
it was little boy blue with the horn

Little miss muffet,
Sat on a tuffet
smoking a bag of weed.
Along came a spider who skinned up beside her
and sold her a kilo of speed

Little poem for the ladies:
Rose's are red
Ivy is green
I like your legs
And what's in between

Long and thin goes right on in
And does'nt please the ladies
Short and thick,Does the trick
And makes all the babies

love is true
love is golden
love is made in the back of a HOLDEN
if you don't like it
or if you get board
become a homosexual and fuck in a FORD

Marion's clothes were off in a flash
The merry men all had a bash
for Marion this was sheer bliss
as they filled every orifice

Mary had a bionic cow
She fed it safety pins
And every time she milked that cow
The milk came out in tins!

Mary had a little bike
She rode it on the grass
Every time the wheel went round
a spoke went up her ass

Mary had a little lamb,
And a boyfriend who was a welsh man,
And every time they went to bed,
The sheep made it a threesome!

Mary had a little lamb,
Its arse was black as charcoal,
And every time it farted,
Sparks flew out its arsehole

Mary had a little lamb,
Its feet were black as ink,
And every time he looked at her,
He piddled in the sink.

Mary had a little lamb,
One foot was black as soot,
And into Mary's bread and jam,
His sooty foot he put. (sounds better when said)

Mary had a little lamb,
she tied it to a pylon,
ten thousand volts went up it's arse
and turned it's fleece to nylon.

Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a spoon,
She stuck a firework up its arse,
And shot it to the moon.

Mary had a little lamb,
with which she used to sleep,
Then she found out it was a ram,
now she has a little lamb

Mary had a little lamb
full of laughs and frollocks
one day it jumped a barbed wire fence
and ripped off half its... er.. hoof?

Mary had a little lamb
her father called it Ralph
and now it's burning in a field
because of foot and mouth!

Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead
and now it goes to school with her
between two hunks of bread

Mary had a little lamb
it leapt around in hops
hopped into the road one day
and ended up as chops

Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon
a thousand volts went up its ass
and turned its wool to nylon

Mary had a little lamb
it's coat was full of fleas
but worse than that,
the little cunt
had foot and mouth disease...

Mary had a little lamb
It's fleece was white and frilly
She used to throw it in the air
And catch it by the willy

Mary had a little lamb
its feet were covered in blisters
now its laying in a ditch
with all its brothers and sisters

Mary had a little lamb
she also had a duck,
She took it behind the kitchen door
to see if it could fuck

Mary had a little lamb
she ate it with mint sauce
now everywhere Mary goes
the lamb goes too of course

mary had a little lamb
she tied it to a tree
she covered it with dynamite
and blew it to bugeree

Mary had a little lamb
she took it to her wedding
every time it chewed her dress
she kicked its fuckin head in

Mary had a little lamb
the midwife had a fit....

Mary had a little pig
it wouldn't stop it's grunting
she took it behind the kitchen door
and kicked its little cunt in......

Mary had a little sheep,
and with this sheep she used to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a Ram,
And Mary had a little Lamb.

Mary had a little shock
For men who wanted fanny
She made them grope her throbbing cock
coz mary was a trannie

Mary had a little trike
She rode it back to front
Every time the wheels went round
The spokes when up her cunt

Mary, Mary
Quite contrary
Shave yer minge
Its far too hairy!!

Men usually have, just three things on their mind,
A big pair of tits...a tight little pussy...and a firm behind.
When it comes to sex, they're like pigs in a wallow,
They only care if you suck dick, spit or swallow.

Midsummer-Night's Dream's like a fever
When good old Bottom the Weaver,
Slipped his huge member out,
And up the Queen's spout
Without her knowing.
Now who would believe her?

My dick is big, her arse is tight,
I poked her anus with delight,
But half-way there,
I hit a bump,
The bitch forgot to take a dump!

My friend Billy had a ten foot willy
He showed it to the girl next door
She thought it was a snake
and hit it with a rake
and now its only six foot four!

My grandfather adored his old tether
And loved tickling his balls with a feather.
But the thing he loved best
Out of all of the rest
Was jostling them gently together.

My name is Ms. Lewinski
Mr. Starr, you're a buttinski
OK, I gave the Pres. head
So what, he wasn't dead
Leave me be, leave me be, leave me be

My wife is an amorous soul,
On fire for a young athlete's pole.
She called her new chauffeur
Her sexual gopher,
And, boy, did he go for her hole!

Now Caroline, writer of verse,
Was laid low one day by the curse.
And her menstrual flow
Was a bit of a blow,
To the laundry, who'd seen nothing worse.

Now listen here said Friar Tuck
we don't really give a fuck
The laughs on you - you silly cow
we've all got aids so who's fucked now

Of snobbery this last doth smell,
Much like the egos of the "swells".
They like it to be clean,
And i'd say that's mean
Cuz we all know who'll end up in hell.

Oh! Send me a woman who won't play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants,
and that's lots from behind!
One who'll make love till my body's twitchin'
And brings ME a beer when she comes from the kitchen.
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and since you know I can't wait,
I'll screw all the rest because it's never too late.
Amen

Old mother Hubard went to the cupboard
To fetch old rover a bone
When she bent over old rover took over
And gave her a bone of his own

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard,
to give her poor doggy a bone,
but when she bent over, old Rover took over,
and slipped her a bone of his own.

old mother hubbard,
went to the cupboard,
to fetch her dog a bone,
when she bent over, rover took over,
and gave her a bone of his own.

Old Mother Hubbard
went to the cupboard
to get her dog, Rover, a bone.
When she bent over, young Rover took over
and gave her a bone of his own...

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor doggie a bone
But when she bent over,
Rover ran over
And gave her a bone of his own

On the breast of a girl from Versaille
Was tattooed the price of her tail,
And on her behind
for the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille.

On the good ship Venus
By god you should have seen us
The figure head
Was nude in bed
Sucking a red hot penis

On the tits of a Barmaid from Quaile
were printed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
for the sake of the Blind,
was the same information in Braille.

On the tits of a barmaid from Sale
Were tattooed all the prices of ale.
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same list of prices in Braille.

One dark night as the moon was green,
Behind a tree lay a farting machine,
A fart to the left, - A Scream was heard!
Someone got killed by a flying turd!

One evening i got quite a shock
When fucking this tart from the dock
She seemed quite surprised,
When in front of her eyes
When I pulled out her spleen on my cock

Our Kev is a little hum dinger.
He is the original bell ringer.
He's rung Sheila's bells.
And he's even rung hell's.
I just wish that he was a singer.

Peter, Peter, Pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and liked to beat her,
He hit her twice around the head,
Fucked her arse and went to bed !

Roses are red,
Lemons are sour,
Spread your legs.....
And give me an hour!!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm schizophrenic,
And so am I!

Roses are stupid
Violets are silly
Grease up your flaps
Cos here comes my willy

Said a weary young fellow called Shea,
When his prick wouldn't stand for a lay,
'You must seize it and squeeze it,
And tease it and please it,
For Rome wasn't built in a day.'

Said an overworked hooker called Randells,
Of the dozens of men that she handles,
'When I get this busy
My cunt gets so jizzy,
That it runs down my legs like wax candles.'

Said an urgent young sailor called Dicky,
As his girl eyed his stiff throbbing dicky,
"My leaves almost up,
And I need a good tup,
Bend over, I’ll slip you a quicky".

Said an urgent young sailor called Micky,
As his girl eyes his stiff, throbbing dicky,
'Pet, my leave's almost up,
And I need a good tup -
Bend over, I'll slip you a quickie.'

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
We shouldn't leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you look such a mess,
use the hem of your dress
And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Said Lady B to her butler "My dear,
Aren't you just the tiniest bit queer?"
Answered he in surprise
"Ma'am I thought you realised,
Servants always come in through the rear"

Said the Duchess of Chester at tea,
'Young man, do you fart when you pee?'
I replied with some wit,
'Do you belch when you shit?'
I think that was one up to me.

Sing a song of syphillis,
a fanny full of crabs
Four and twenty blackheads,
twice as many scabs
When the heads popped open,
The crabs began to sing
Wasn't that a filthy cunt to put your penis in!!

So take heed young maidens to what I'm telling you
All men like to do is fuck, suck tits and screw.
Don't have anything to do with their "manly thing"
Until on your finger you've got that fucking ring.

So well stacked was the new coed named Brenda
all the studs wanted to part her pudenda
but, to their dismay
they discover her first lay
was not tom, dick ,or Harry, but, Glenda

Something happened to my brother Jim,
someone threw a tomato at him.
Tomatoes are juicy
and don't hurt the skin,
but this one was specially packed in a tin.

That wicked old Sappho from Greece
Said, 'What makes me feel really at peace
Is to have my pudenda
Rubbed hard by the enda
The snub little nose of my niece.'

That's why you'll often see today,
a dog leave the choicest bone,
to go and smell an asshole,
he's looking for his own.

The appeal of a whore in Bengot
Was the absence of hair on her twat.
It was smooth as a dream,
Not through shaving or cream,
But through all the fucking she got.

The breasts of a barmaid of Crale,
Were tattooed with the price of brown ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille

The Cabin Boy, the Captain's Joy
A cunning little nipper
They filled his Ass
With Broken Glass
And Circumcised the Skipper

The Coroner reported, in Preston,
'The verdict is anal congestion.
I found an eight-ball
On a sail maker's awl
Halfway up the Commander's intestine.'

The desperate Vicar of Coring
Drilled a suitable hole in the flooring.
He lined it all round,
Then gently he ground.
It's neater and cheaper than whoring.

The hermaphrodite lived in Kew
Whom the local lads loved to screw.
cause she looked so sweet
upon the seat
Of a bisexual built for two.

The ladies in this Limerick
Were comparing the sizes of dick
One said "Long and thin,
goes much too far in,
but a short one that's thick does the trick!!"

The nipples of young Miss Hong Kong,
When excited are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.

The priests of the temple of Isis
Used to offer up amber and spices,
Then nip round the shrine
And perform sixty-nine
And other unpardonable vices.

The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring,
He was lame, but he came
With his dame like a flame -
A discharge is a wonderful thing.

The tool of a fellow called Randall
Shot sparks like a fine Roman candle.
His glorious stand
Produced colours quite grand,
But the girls found him too hot to handle.

The vicar of Dunstan St Just,
Consumed with irregular lust.
Raped the bishops prize fowls,
Buggered four startled owls,
And a little green lizard that bust.

The wang of a fellow called Grable
Was as pliant and long as a cable.
Each eve as he ate,
This suave reprobate
Would screw his wife under the table.

The was a man from Bellgrave
who kept a dead whore in a cave
I have to admit,
he's a bit of a shit,
but imagine the money he saved!!!!

There was a man from Khartoum,
Lured an innocent girl to her doom.
He not only fucked her,
He buggered and sucked her
And left her to pay for the room.

The was a young man from Australia
Who painted his ass like an azalea
Fifty cents for a smell
went over quite well,
But a dollar a lick was a fail-ya

The was a young man from Dunrose,
Who played with himself under the clothes.
His landlady said,
While changing his bed,
"He's a bugger for blowing his nose"

The was a young man from Jakarta
Who they say is quite a great farter
if it's true, what they say
then surely someday
he will blow himself quite aparta

The was a young man from MacLeod
Who was fingering his girl in a crowd
Said a man up front
"I can smell cunt"
Just like that, out loud

The was a young man from Newcastle
Who wrapped up a shit in a parcel
He sent it by train
with a note to explain
That it come from his grandmothers arsehole

The wife of a sportsman called Chuck
Found her married life clean out of luck.
Her husband played hockey
Without wearing a jockey,
Now he ain't what it takes for a fuck.

The wife of a warrior Celt
Lost the key to her chastity belt.
She tried picking the lock
With an Ulsterman's cock,
And the next thing he knew, he was gelt.

There is a young chick in Vancouver
Who loves to suck cock like a Hoover
She does it so long
She deadens your dong
And when it's all done you can't screw 'er!!!

There is an old druggie named Dieter
Who pops the occasional speeder
He loves smoking pot
and tokes up a lot
But insists "I really don't need 'er."

There once was a big boy called Bowen
Whose penis kept growin' and growin'.
It grew so tremendous,
So heavy and pendulous,
'Twas no good for fuckin' - just showin'.

There once was a bloke from Tasmania,
who had no genitalia,
this pissed off his mother,
cause he couldn't fuck her,
even though he wanted to nail'er.

There once was a Cambridge B.A.
Who pondered the problem all day
Of what there would be.
If c-u-n-t
Were divided by c-o-c-k.

There once was a chick that I dated
whose tongue was sharp and serrated
She'd give quite a shock,
while sucking your cock
she'd leave your balls ripped and deflated.

There once was a dancer from Exeter
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
But some, more depraved,
Unzipped them and waved
The distinguishing marks of their sex at 'er.

There once was a disc jockey named Louise
who's box had a sucking disease
one night it got wet;
I lost a cassette
an eight-track and twenty CD's

There once was a fellow called Ziegal
Who decided to bugger a beagle,
But just as he came,
A voice called his name,
Saying, 'Now me, but you know it's illegal.'

There once was a fellow named Brink
Who possessed an extremely tart dink.
To sweeten it some,
He soaked it in rum,
Now he's driven his girlfriend to drink.

There once was a fellow, McNamiter
With a prick of prodigious diameter.
But it wasn't the size
Gave girls a surprise,
But his rhythm - iambic pentameter.

There once was a gardener from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds.
Great tufts of grass
Sprouted out of his arse
And his balls were soon covered in weeds.

There once was a handsome young seaman
Who with ladies was really a demon,
In peace or in war,
At sea or on shore,
He could certainly dish out the semen.

There once was a head of a girls convent school
who took all his lessons perched nude on a stool
the class were enthralled
By the size of his balls
and the halo surrounding his tool

There once was a lady called Delores
Whose cunt was all covered in sores
The dogs in the street
Would all chase the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers"

There once was a lady called Heather
whose fanny was lined with leather
she attracted the boys
by making a noise
flapping the edges together!

There once was a lady called Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

There once was a lady called Mona
Who was attracted to every man's boner,
She once said with a grin, wiping cum off her chin,
"Who are, I hardly know yu"

There once was a lady from Arden
Who sucked off her man in the garden.
He said, 'Darling Flo,
Where does my sperm go?'
She replied, (swallow hard) - 'Beg your pardon?'

There once was a lady from Bel Air
who liked to make love on the stair
but the banister broke
so he quickened his stroke
and finished her off in mid air

There once was a lady from Detroit
Who at fucking was rather adroit
She could tighten her vagina
To make sex much finer
Or open it up like a quoit

There once was a lady from Gorton
Who had one long tit and one short one
And under all that
A hairy great twat
And a fart like a six-fifty norton

there once was a lady from Gritchen,
she was scratchin' her box in the kitchen,
her husband said rose,
crabs I suppose,
she said yes and the bastards are itching

There once was a lady from Gymea
Who liked to take it up the rear
A man from Tibet
Said "Geez you're wet"
She replied "Na, its just a bad case of diarrhea

There once was a lady from Horton
Who had one long tit and one short 'un
To make up for this loss
She had a cunt like a horse
And a fart like a 500 Norton

There once was a lady from Madrid
who swore that she'd never been rid
then in came an Italian
with a cock like a stallion
and rode her like Billy the kid

There once was a lady from Melbourne
and fellatio wanted to learn
The taste of it
made her spit a bit
But she reckoned it killed all the worms

There once was a lady from Nottingham
who made meat pies and put snot in 'em
in addition to this, she filled them with piss
and played with the dog till he shot in 'em.

There once was a lady from Oak Pass
who had a magnificent ass,
but 'twas not round and pink
as you'd probably think,
'twas grey had long ears and ate grass.

There once was a lady from Samoa
Who plugged up her cunt with a boa.
This weird contraceptive
Was very effective
To all but the spermatozoa.

There once was a lady from Siam
who went for a ride in a tram
the dirty conductor
jumped up and fucked her
and now she pushes a pram

There once was a lady from Thrace
Whose corsets grew too tight to lace.
Her mother said, 'Nelly,
There's things in your belly
That never got in through your face.'

There once was a lady from Wick,
Who asked her mum what's a dick,
She said my dear Annie,
It goes up your fanny
and jumps up and down till its sick.

There once was a lady from Yorkshire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, 'It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you push it a few inches higher?'

There once was a lady named Alice
who used dynamite instead of a phallus
they found her vagina
in south Carolina
and her arse on the outskirts of Dallas

There once was a lady named Inga,
whose best friend was her index finger,
A finger is a digit,
which she used to fidget,
But the smell of dead fish it did linger.

There once was a lady named Jill
who used a stick of dynamite for a thrill
her cunt went Kaboom
and blew up her room
and she found her tits in Brazil

There once was a lady named Louise
grew pubic hair down to her knees
along came old mick
with scissors to clip
to get to her clit with ease

There once was a lady named Louise
Whose cunt hair hung down to her knees.
The crabs in her twat
Tied the hair in a knot
And constructed a flying trapeze.

There once was a lady named Michelle
who's crack had a horrible smell
and when she spread
the first thought in my head was
"Yo quiero Taco Bell"

There once was a lady who begat
Three brats, by name Tat, Nat and Pat.
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding,
When she found there was no tit for Tat

There once was a man form Brazil,
who ate a dynamite pill,
his heart retired
his arse backfired
and his balls shot over the hill!

There once was a man from Bombay
who molded a cunt out of clay
at the heat of his prick
the clay turned to brick
and wore all his foreskin away

there once was a man from Boston
who bought a little Austin
there was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas,
but his balls hung out
and he lost 'em

There once was a man from Boston
Who drove around in a little Austin
Her had room for his ass and a gallon of gas
but his balls hung out and he lost-em

There once was a man from Brazil
who swallowed a dynamite pill
his heart retired
his arse back fired
and his knob fucked off over the hill

There once was a man from Calcutta
Who took a sly peep through a shutter.
But all he could see was his wife's twitching knee
And the arse of the man that was up her

There once was a man from china,
who drove a mini-minor.
He hit a rock,
and split his cock,
and now he's got a vagina.

There once was a man from China,
who was such an awful climber,
he slipped on a rock,
and broke his cock
and now he's got a vagina!

There once was a man from China
Who thought he was a good rock climber
He slipped on a rock
And knocked off his cock
And now he has a vagina!

There once was a man from Cracheme
who invented a wanking machine
on the 99th stroke
the bloody thing broke
and wiped his balls to cream.

There once was a man from Crockett
Who went to the moon in a rocket
The rocket went bang
His balls went clang
And his dick ended up in his pocket.

There once was a man from Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes.
One ball was so small
It was not ball at all
But the other, it won several prizes.

There once was a man from Docket
Who went to space in a rocket
the rocket went bang
his balls went clang
and he found his dick in his pocket

There once was a man from Ealing
Who pounded his pud with great feeling
Then like a trout
He'd stick his tongue out
And wait for the drops from the ceiling!

There once was a man from Florida,
who fancied his mates girl so he borrowed her,
when he got her in bed,
he took one look and said,
lady that's not a cunt its a corridor

There once was a man from Great Britain,
Whose dick got fucking bitten,
Because one day,
He refused to pay,
So she bit when supposed to be lickin'.

There once was a man from Leeds,
who swallowed a packet of seeds,
in less than an hour
his arse was a flower
and his balls were a bundle of weeds!

There once was a man from Madras
Who had his balls made from fine brass
In stormy weather, they would bang together
and sparks would fly up his arse.

There once was a man from McFrass,
Who had balls made out of brass,
When came stormy weather,
His balls clanged together,
And lightning shot out of his ass

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who had such a long dick he could suck it,
He said with a grin,
while wiping his chin,
If my ear was a cunt, I would fuck it!!

There once was a man from Nantucket
who brought a pig in the thicket to fuck it
the pig said you queer,
get away from my rear
come around to the front and I'll suck it.

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who's dick was so long he could sucket
and he said with a grin as he wiped off his chin
"if my ear was a cunt I could fuck it"

There once was a man from Newcastle
Who had a big shit in a parcel
He sent it by post
To a queer by the coast
Just to show him the size of his Arsehole

There once was a man from Newcastle
who wrapped up a shit in a parcel
he sent it by train, with a note that explained
that it come from his grandmothers arsehole. 

There once was a man from Rayscene,
who invented a fucking machine.
Concave or Convex,
it suits any sex,
But oh, what a bastard to clean.

There once was a man from Spain,
who tied his dick to a train,
the train went so fast
that it burned his arse
and he never did that again!

There once was a man from Stanbool
Who discovered red spots on his tool
So he went to the doc
who looked at his cock
He said "wipe off the lipstick you fool"

There once was a man from Tabas,
his balls were made of fine brass,
but in stormy weather,
his balls clanked together,
and sparks flew out of his ass

There once was a man name of Florin
Who was fond of a gal who was whorin'
When he looked in her box
And found 20 cocks
Said, "I'm sure you won't mind just one more in."

there once was a man named Clyde
who could fart whenever he tried
in a contest he blew
two thousand and two
then shit and was disqualified

There once was a man named Garuda
Who once wooed a nude in Bermuda
The nude was to shrewd to be wooed in the nude
But Garuda was shrewder and screwed her.

There once was a man named Grady,
Whose sexuality was a little bit shady
he was fucked up in the head
so he got an operation instead
and now he's no longer a man but a lady.

There once was a man named Herby
who's girl wore a bowtie and derby
like it or not,
she had a clean shaven twat
I guess there's no furby for Herby

There once was a man named Keith
Who circumcised men with his teeth
He didn't do it for leisure
Or sexual pleasure
But to get to the cheese underneath

There once was a man named Kent,
whose willy was so long that it bent,
one day in the loo, he bent it in two,
and instead of coming he went!

there once was a man named Kev
he never fucked in bed
a chick would come over
he would bend her over
and ask for a bit of head

There once was a man named Pete
Whose privates hung down to his feet
When she asked him to dance
It fell out of his pants
And bounced on the floor to the beat.

There once was a man named Screwy Dick,
A man who was born with a spiral prick.
His life was spent in one long hunt
to find the girl with the spiral cunt.
When he found her he dropped dead,
'cause that damn bitch had left hand thread!!!

There once was a man named Tupper,
who took a girl out to supper,
by quarter past nine,
they drank heaps of wine,
by quarter past ten he was up her

There once was a man with a cork-screw pole. He searched all his life for a cork-screw hole. He finally found one, And fell over dead. Because the son of a bitch had a left-hand thread.

There once was a miserly knave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, 'I'll admit
I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save!'

There once was a monk from Siberia
Whose morals were somewhat inferior.
He did to a nun
What he shouldn't have done,
And now she's a Mother Superior.

There once was a parson named Binns
Who talked about women and things,
But his secret dersire was a boy in the choir
With a bottom like jelly on a spring.

There once was a plumber named lee,
who was plumbing his girl by the sea,
said the girl he was plumbing,
"there's somebody coming"
said the plumber still plumbing,
it's me!"

There once was a Queen of Baroda
Who caused to be built a pagoda.
The walls of its halls
Were festooned with the balls
And the tools of the fools who bestrode her.

There once was a queer from Rangoon
Who invited a lesbian up to his room
and they argued all night
to do what and where and to whom

There once was a queer named Feeney
who liked to pour gin on his weenie,
in a moment uncouth,
he poured on vermouth
and slipped his friend Dan a martini.

There once was a randy old monk
That slept every night on a bunk
He looked out at Venus
And flopped out his penis
And covered the ceiling with spunk

There once was a senator from Mass
Who went in search of some ass
He lucked up and found it
Fucked up and drowned it
And that was the end of his ass

There once was a sparky named Kev
Who took up singing instead
His songs aint half bad
But Kevis still sad
Cos he cant find a girl that gives head

There once was a stoner from Dwight,
who liked his head to be light,
He rolled up a chronic,
and sipped on his tonic,
and now he's as high as kite!

There once was a vampire called Mabel
Who's menstrual cycle was stable
One weekend in four
She'd sit on the floor
And drink herself under the table.

There once was a well-blessed young Hindu
Much admired in the towns that he'd been to
By the women he knows,
Who wriggle their toes
At the tricks he can make his foreskin do.

There once was a whore from Ealing
who had a peculiar feeling
she laid on her back
opened her flaps
and pissed all over the ceiling

There once was a whore from Fourna,
who loved to fuck men for a quarter,
she let out a cry, hit the cunt in the eye,
when she realized he couldn't afford her

There once was a whore from Peru
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said, with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out of it, too!"

There once was a whore lived in Duncan,
whose cunt was incredibly sunk in.
When with her in bed,
we wore lamps on our heads,
because it was just like spelunking'

There once was a young man from Kent
Who's dick was so long it was bent
To save him the trouble he folded it double
And instead of comming he went

There once was an old man from Mulgoa
Whose balls couldn't hang any lower
They clanged and they dinged
When they swung in the wind
And wrapped round his neck like a boa

There once was gymnastic whore,
As expert behind as before.
For five quid you could view her,
And bugger and screw her,
As she stood on her head on the floor.

There was a lady called Sandra Cox
She gave ten thousand men the pox
She's gone now but not forgotten
Her heart was good
But her cunt was rotten

There was a lady called tammy
who liked lots of dicks in her fanny
she got knocked up
to a guy named Clive
and at the age of 25
she's a granny!

There was a lady from Crewe
who filled her fanny with glue
she said with a grin
if they pay to get in
they'll pay to get out of it too

There was a lady from Devises
Who had breasts of different sizes
One was small, hardly anything at all
And the other was big & won prizes

There was a lascivious wench
Whom nothing could ever make blench.
She'd insert a man's pole
In just any old hole,
And she'd bugger, fuck, jerk-off and French.

There was a man called Sprocket
Who went to the moon in a rocket
The rocket went bang
His balls went clang
And he found his cock in his pocket

There was a man from Bhoghat,
Whose arse cheeks were terribly fat.
They had to be parted
Whenever he farted,
And propped wide apart when he shat.

There was a man from Calcutta,
who kept his bird in the shutter,
I'm sorry to say,
the shutter gave way,
and he finished his fuck in the gutter.

There was a man from Capri
Who tried to do a pee in a tree
he peed so high
that he peed in his eye
Now the poor old bugger can't see

There was a man from China
He was a brilliant climber
One he slick on a rock
and he snapped his cock
and now he has a vagina

There was a man from Cockett
Who tied his balls to a rocket
The rocket went bang
His balls went clang
And he found his dick in his pocket

There was a man from Kantoon,
Who led a young virgin to doom,
Not only he fucked her,
He buggered and sucked her,
And left her to pay for the room

There was a man from Malutah,
Who used to ride on a scooter,
His favourite trick,
was to stand on his prick,
and to use his arse as a hoota

There was a man from Mouricious
who said 'wow that shag was delicious
but the next time I cum
it'll be up your bum
coz that scab on ya cunt looks suspicious!!

There was a man from Peru
Who lived on cum,spit and spew
When he tired of these
He lived on the cheese
That under his foreskin grew

There was a man from Reims
Who suffered from terrible wet dreams
So he kept them a bit,
rolled them in shit
And sold them as soft chocolate creams

There was a man from the Cape,
Who fucked an unbearable ape,
He said you're a fool,
cause you got a square tool,
and you put me arse outta shape!

There was a man from Trent,
whose penis was all buckled and bent.
To save him some trouble,
he put it in double,
Instead of cumming he went!!

There was a man named Rastogi
From his nose he picked an amazing bogie
It was big, fat and green
With a glistening sheen
So he shared it with his best mate Toby

There was a man named Sweeney,
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
So being uncouth
He added vermouth.
And slipped his wife a martini.

There was a mathimatician named Hall
Who had hexadenrical balls
The cube of their weight plus his pecker times eight
Was three fifths of five eighths of fuck all.

There was a most versatile whore,
As expert behind as before.
For five quid you could view her,
And bugger and screw her,
As she stood on her head on the floor.

There was a Nabob of Madras
Whose balls were constructed of brass.
When jostled together
They played Stormy Weather,
And lightning shot out of his arse.

There was a notorious seaman
Who with ladies was quite a young demon.
In peace or in war,
At sea or on shore,
He was liberal and free with his semen.

There was a old man from Perth
The sickest bastard on earth
When his wife was confined
He pulled down the blind
And licked up the afterbirth

There was a priest the dirty beast his name was Alexander..
He has a prick 10 inches thick and called it his commander,
One night he met a gypsy maid with eyes as black as charcoal
And in the dark he missed his mark and stuck it up her arsehole...

There was a senora from Spain
Whose appearance was mightily plain,
But her quim had a pucker
That made the men fuck her,
Again and again and again.

There was a slag called Doris
Married to a pervo called Boris
A glass eye she had
and sometimes when they shag
She'll take it out to make another orifice

There was a sweet lady who said,
As her new beau climbed into her bed,
'I'm tired of this stunt
That they do with one's cunt,
You can slip up my bottom instead.'

There was a sweet maiden called Dowd
Whom a young lecher groped in a crowd.
But the thing that most vexed her
Was when he stood next her
He said, 'How's your cunt?' right out loud.

There was a tennis player named Bob
Who never had more than a hand job
One day with his racket
He decided to whack it
And his cum shot was a right proper lob

There was a whore from the docks
Who kept her cash in her socks
When the navy sailed in
She couldn't help but grin
At the thought of those sock filling cocks

There was a woman from New-Zealand,
Who had a perculiar feelin',
she laid on her back,
opened her crack,
and pissed all over the ceilin'

There was a Woman from Watton
Who stuffed her fanny with Cotton
She went for a swim with her husband named Jim
and her fanny swelled up and went rotten.

There was a young Aussie in Sydney,
Who drank till he lost a kidney.
It shriveled and shrank
As he sat there nad drank,
But he had a good time at it,didn't he?

There was a young barmaid called Gail,
On whose chest were tatooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in braille.

There was a young boy called Taylor
Who seduced a respectable sailor.
When they put him in jail
He settled the bail
By doing the same to the jailer.

There was a young boy named Rand,
Thought caressing his penis was grand;
But he viewed with distaste;
The gelatinous paste,
That it left in the palm of his hand

There was a young couple from Uganda
Were fucking away on the veranda
The juice of their fucks
Fed forty two ducks
Three geese and a fucking great gander.

There was a young couple named Kelly
Who were seemly connected at belly,
Because in their haste
They use library paste
Which they thought was vaginal jelly.

There was a young dentist called Stone
Who saw all his patients alone.
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity,
Good Lord! How his practice has grown!

There was a young faggot called Willy,
Who used to do things very silly,
He'd one day for fun,
A vasectomy done,
A clear case of 'Gelding the Lily'

There was a young fellow from Burma
Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur.
But now that he's married he's
Been using catherides
And the root of their love is much firmer.

There was a young fellow from Datchet
Who lopped off his prick with a hatchet.
He sent it to Whitely,
With a note wrote politely,
And ordered a cunt that would match it.

There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose tool was amazingly bent.
To save himself trouble
He put it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.

There was a young fellow from Perth -
The dirtiest bugger on earth.
When his wife was confined
He crept up behind,
And swallowed the whole afterbirth.

There was a young fellow named Dirk
Who dozed off one day after work.
He woke with a scream
When he had a wet dream,
And polished it off with a jerk.

There was a young fellow named Eddie,
Who went to bed with his teddie,
The teddie got shirty
when Eddie got dirty,
And said "Just a mo, I'm not ready"!

There was a young fellow named Howell
Who buggered himself with a trowel.
The triangular shape
Was conducive to rape,
And easily cleaned with a towel.

There was a young fellow named Lancelot
Whose neighbours looked on him askance a lot.
Whenever he'd pass
A pretty young lass,
The front of his pants would advance a lot.

There was a young fellow named Price
Who dabbled in all sorts of vice.
He loved virgins and boys
And mechanical toys,
And on Mondays he meddled with mice.

There was a young fellow named Runyon,
Whose penis developed a bunion.
With every erection,
This painful infection,
Gave off a strong odour of onion.

There was a young gaucho called Bruno
Who said, 'There's one thing that I do know.
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno.

There was a young gigolo named Bruno
Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know.
While women are fine,
And sheep are divine,
Lama's are numero uno!"

There was a young gigolo, Meek,
Who invented a lingual technique.
It drove women frantic,
Made them feel romantic,
And wore all the beard from his cheek.

There was a young girl called Dolores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores.
The dogs in the street
Used to snap at the meat,
That hung in green gobs from her drawers.

There was a young girl called Lewinsky,
Who caused as much stir as Kaczynski
When on Ken Starr's lap
she confided, when trapped,
"Bill Clinton is hung like Nijinsky"

There was a young girl called McBight
Who got drunk with her boyfriend one night.
She came to her bed
With a split maidenhead -
'Twas the last time she ever got tight.

There was a young girl called Molly,
Who fancied a bit in a quarry.
She laid on her back,
and opened her crack,
and the bastard backed in with a lorry

There was a young girl called O'Clare
Whose body was covered in hair.
It was really quite fun
To probe with one's gun,
For the target might be anywhere.

There was a young girl from Antrim
Who had a gigantic quim
Twas'nt the size,
that attracted the flies
But the hum of the cum round the rim

There was a young girl from Cornell
Whose nipples were shaped like a bell.
When you touched them they shrunk,
But when she got drunk,
They quickly got bigger than hell.

There was a young girl from Detroit
Who at screwing was very adroit.
She could squeeze her vagina
To a pin-point, or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.

There was a young girl from Dundee
Who liked to have picnics by the sea
Her boyfriend said "right -
enough of this shite"
And took her from behind on one knee!

There was a young girl from Dundee
Who was raped by an ape in a tree.
The result was most horrid -
All arse and no forehead,
Three balls and an ill-groomed goatee.

There was a young girl from Dundee
Who went down to the river to pee.
And a man in a punt,
Stuck an oar in her cunt,
And now she wears glasses, you see.

There was a young girl from Eskdale
Who put up her sweet arse for sale.
For two three-penny bits
You could tickle her tits,
But a shilling would get you some tail.

There was a young girl from Hoboken
Who said that her hymen was broken
From riding her bike
Down a cobblestone pike
When it really was broken from pokin'

There was a young girl from Mill Hill,
who used dynamite sticks for a thrill.
They found her vagina,
in South Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.

There was a young girl from Piltlochry
who was had by a man in a rockery
She said "Now you've come
All over my bum.
This isn't a fuck, it's a mockery."

There was a young girl from Seattle
w ho used to enjoy sucking off cattle
w hen a bull from the south
shot a load in her mouth,
it sure made her ovaries rattle.

There was a young girl from Surat
The cheeks of whose arse were so fat
They had to be parted
Whenever she farted
And also whenever she shat.

There was a young girl from Throgmorton
Who had one long tit and a short 'un.
To make up for that,
She'd a six foot wide twat,
And a fart like a 650 Norton.

There was a young girl from Wick
Who said "mother what is a dick" ?
She said "my dear Annie"
It goes in your fanny
& jumps up and down till its sick

There was a young girl named Priscilla,
Who flavoured her cunt with vanilla.
The taste was so fine,
Men and beasts stood in line,
But she called it a day with Godzilla.

There was a young girl, quite slim
who had an enormous great quim
though it wasn't the size
that attracted the flies
but the hum of the scum on the rim.

There was a young lady at sea
Who said, 'How it hurts me to pee.'
'I see,' said the mate,
'That accounts for the state
Of the captain, the purser, and me.'

There was a young lady called Annie,
With lice, fleas and crabs up her fanny,
A trip up her flue,
Was like a day at the zoo,
With wildlife in each nook and cranny.

There was a young lady called Astir
Who seldom let any get past her.
One night she got plenty
And finished at twenty.
One imagines that that ought to last 'er.

There was a young lady called Blunt
Who possessed a rectangular cunt.
She learned, for diversion,
Posterior perversion,
As no one could fit her in front.

There was a young lady called Dot
who dined upon pigshit and snot
when she couldn't get these
she ate the green cheese
that she scraped from the sides of her twot!.

There was a young lady called grace,
Who liked you to cum all over her face.
But a well endowed lad,
Gave her all that he had,
And blew her tonsils all over the place.

There was a young lady called Grace
Who took all she could in her face,
But a well-endowed lad
gave her all that he had,
And blew her tonsils all over the place.

There was a young lady called Heather
Whose labia were fashioned in leather.
She made a strange noise,
Which attracted the boys,
By flapping the edges together.

There was a young lady called Hilda
Who went for a walk with a builder.
He knew that he could,
And he should, and he would -
And he did - and it bloody near killed her!

There was a young lady called Moore
Who, while not quite precisely a whore,
Could not miss the chance
To whip off her pants
To compare a man's stroke with her bore.

There was a young lady called Ransom
Who was serviced three times in a hansom.
When she cried, 'Give me more!'
A voice from the floor
Said, 'My name is Simpson not Samson.'

There was a young lady called Riddle
Who had an untouchable middle.
She acquired many friends
Because of her ends,
For it isn't the middle you diddle.

There was a young lady from Asia
who shaved her legs with a razor
one day she went high
right up past here thigh
and the gash it left would amaze ya!

There was a young lady from Cheam
Crept into the vestry unseen.
She ripped off her knickers,
Likewise the vicar's,
And rammed in the Episcopal bean.

There was a young lady from Dee
Who slept with each man she did see.
Should it come to a test
She wished to be best,
And practice makes perfect, you see.

There was a young lady from Ealing,
who had a peculiar feeling,
she laid on her back, opened her crack,
and pissed all over the ceiling.

There was a young lady from France
who got on a bus in a trance
six passengers fucked her
besides the conductor
and the driver shot twice in his pants

There was a young lady from Kent,
With a cunt of enormous extent.
It was so deep and so wide,
The acoustics inside,
Caused an echo whenever you spent.

There was a young lady from Killkenny
you could go up her twat for a penny
for half that sum you could go up her bum
and that was a great saving for many.

There was a young lady from Mauritius,
Who thought her last shag was delicious,
but she said, "Next time, chum,
it'll be up the bum,
because that spot on your dick looks suspicious!"

There was a young lady from Morton
who had a long tit and a short un,
to make up for that,
she had a 15 inch twatt,
and a fart like a 500 Norton.

There was a young lady from Natchez
Who was fully equipped with two snatches.
She often cried, 'Shit!
I'd give either tit
For a man with equipment that matches.'

There was a young lady from Norway.
Who hung by her knees from the doorway.
She cried in the night,
With ecstatic delight,
"My God! I've discovered one more way!"

There was a young lady from Reading,
Who got poxed, and the virus was spreading.
Her cunt layers each day,
Kept peeling away,
Until you could shove your whole head in.

There was a young lady from Reno,
who lost all her money at the casino.
So she jumped on her back opened her crack,
now she owns the whole fucking CASINO.

There was a young lady from Shotton,
Who plugged her diseased cunt with cotton.
For it was no myth,
That she had the syph,
She stunk and her arsehole was rotton.

There was a young lady from Sidney
Who could take it right up to her kidney,
But a man from Quebec
Shoved it up to her neck,
He had a long one, now didn' he?

There was a young lady named Anheuser
Who said that no man could surprise her.
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

There was a young lady named Sharkey
Who had an affair with a darkey.
The result of her sins
Was quadruplets, not twins,
One white, and one black, and two khaki.

There was a young lady of Dover
Whose passion was such that it drove her
To cry when she came,
'Oh dear, what a shame!
Well now we just have to start over.'

There was a young lady whose joys
Were achieved with remarkable poise.
She would reach her orgasm
With scarcely a spasm,
And could fart without making a noise.

There was a young lassie from Morton,
who had a long tit and a short 'en.
On top of all that,
a great hairy twat,
and a fart like a six fifty Norton.

There was a young maid from Cape Cod
Who dreamed she was sleeping with God.
'Twas not the Almighty
Who pulled up her nightie,
'Twas Roger the lodger, the sod!

There was a young maid from Madrid
Who would open her legs for a quid.
But a handsome Italian
With balls like a stallion
Said he'd do it for nothing - and did.

There was a young maid named McDuff
With a lovely luxuriant muff
In his haste to get in her
One eager beginner
Lost both of his balls in the rough.

There was a young maiden called Flynn
Who thought fornication a sin,
But when she was tight
It seemed quite alright,
So everyone filled her with gin.

There was a young maiden called Randall
Who caused quite a neighbourhood scandal
By walking out bare
To the main village square
And poking herself with a candle.

There was a young maiden from Rheims
Who started to pee in four streams.
A friend poked around
And a fly-button found
Tightly wedged in her intimate seams.

There was a young man from Ash Green,
Who invented the wanking machine,
On the ninety-ninth stroke,
the bloody thing broke,
and whipped his ballocks to cream.

There was a young man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a Dahlia
The colour was fine,
the picture devine
The smell was a terrible failure.

There was a young man from Belbroughton
Who had not a long cock but a short 'un
To make up for the loss
He had balls like an 'oss
And a fart like a six-fifty Norton

There was a young man from Bexhill,
Who's penis was like a pencil,
He went right through an actress,
Six inches of mattress,
And buggered the bedroom utensil.

There was a young man from Bombay
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay
But the heat from his prick
turned the clay to a brick
and chaffed his foreskin away

There was a young man from Brazil,
who invented the dynamite pill,
His arse backfired,
his balls retired,
and his willy shot over the hill.

There was a young man from Calcutta,
Who used to sleep in the gutter,
The hot tropical sun,
Burned a hole in his bum,
And melted his balls to butter.

There was a young man from Calcutta
Who went for a wank in the gutter
A woman walked by
got spunk in her eye
And thought it was Anchor's best butter

There was a young man from Coblenz
Whose balls were quite simply immense:
It took forty draymen
A priest and three laymen
To transport them thither and hence.

There was a young man from Cosham
Who took out his balls to wash 'em
His mother said "Jack
If you don't put them back
I'll stamp on the sods and squash 'em!"

There was a young man from Crewe
Who stuck a dildo to his head with some glue
All the men took the piss
But women didn't miss
When they could get shag from a man with two

There was a young man from Dakota
Who wouldn't pay a whore what he owed her
She jumped up from the bed
With cunt flaming red
And pissed in his Whiskey and Soda

There was a young man from Darjeeling
Whose dong reached up to the ceiling
In the electric light socket
He'd put it and rock it -
Oh, God! What a wonderful feeling!

There was a young man from Devizes
Whose balls were of different sizes.
The left one was small,
Almost no ball at all,
And the right one was large and won prizes.

There was a young man from Dublin,
Whose testes were always a'troublin,
When the temperature did drop,
His testes did (k)not,
And he cried until they were undone again.

There was a young man from Dundee
Who came home as drunk as could be
He wound up the clock
With the end of his cock
Then buggered his wife with the key

There was a young man from Dunnnoon,
Who was born about nine months too soon,
He didn't have the luck
to be born by a fuck,
But a wet dream fed in with a spoon.

There was a young man from Ealing,
Who used to piss on the ceiling.
The plaster got wet
and fell on his pet
And his love pig ran away squealing

There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.

There was a young man from Leeds
who ate six packets of seeds
in an hour his dick was a flower
and his ass was covered in weeds

There was a young man from Madras
Who lay with a girl in the grass
With hands clean and cool
She played with his tool
Till it foamed like a bottle of Bass!

There was a young man from Madras
Who was stuffing a maid in the grass.
But the tropical sun
Spoiled some of his fun
By singeing the hairs on his arse.

there was a young man from Malacca
and he was a horny young tacka
but his wife was so small
she couldn't fit him at all
so he'd jam it right up in her clacka

There was a young man from Mauritius,
who said his last fuck was delicious,
but the next time I come,
It'll be up your bum,
'cause that scab on your cunt looks suspicious.

There was a young man from McDowell
Who fed on animal bowel
His favorite dish
Was prostitute piss
And scrapings from a sanitary towel

There was a young man from Milwaukee
who was having it off with a jockey
when the cunt raced
he would surely embrace
the 14 inch dick of his cockey!

There was a young man from Nairs
who liked to have sex on the stairs,
with one powerful stroke,
the banister broke
and he finished her off in mid-air.

There was a young man from Nantucket
Took a pig to a thicket to fuck it.
Said the pig, 'No, I'm queer,
Get away from my rear,
Just come to the front and I'll suck it.'

There was a young man from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
'If my ear was a cunt I would fuck it.'

There was a young man from Nepal
Who only had one ball
When he had a root
And it came time to shoot
He found he had fuck all

There was a young man from Newcastle,
who wrapped up a turd in a parcel,
He sent it by post,
to a queer on the coast,
to show him the size of his arsehole.

There was a young man from Newcastle
who wrapped up a turd in a parcel
he sent it by plane
to a poofter in Spain
to show him the size of his arsehole.

There was a young man from Peru
Whose lineage was noble all through.
It's surely not crud,
For not only his blood
But even his semen was blue.

There was a young man from Pitlochry
Who made love to his wife in a rockery
She said "look you've cum"
All over my bum
This isn't a shag, it's a mockery.

There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a knobbing machine.
Concave or convex,
It would suit either sex,
With attachments for those in between.

There was a young man from Rangoon
Who farted and filled a balloon.
The balloon went so high
That it stuck in the sky,
Which was tough for the Man in the Moon.

There was a young man from St Rose
Who's love life was so full of woes
He love 69
He'd do it all the time
but always got shit on his nose

There was a young man from Wales,
who lived on slugs and black snails,
when he couldn't get these,
he lived on the cheese,
that he scraped from his dick with his nails

There was a young man from Wales
lived on snot spew spunk shit and snails
when he could get none of these
he lived on the cheese
he scrapped off his knob with his nails !

There was a young man from Waroona,
who did not like the taste of tuna.
Till one day he got his first taste of twat,
and wished the fuck he tried it sooner.

There was a young man named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave,
he said "I admit,
I'm a bit of a shit,
but think of the money I save!"

There was a young man named Dave
who dug up a prostitutes grave
she was mouldy as shit
and missing a tit
but think of the money he saved!!

There was a young man named Keith
who liked to circumcise men with his teeth
it wasn't for leisure or sexual pleasure
but to get to the cheese underneath

There was a young man named Perkin ,
who was forever jerkin his gerkin,
his mother said Perkin,
stop jerkin your gerkin,
your girkin's for furkin not jerkin.

There was a young man named Sean,
Who wished he had never been born,
He wouldn't have been,
If his father had seen,
The end of the condom was torn!

There was a young man named Skinner
who took a young lady to dinner.
They sat down to dine
at a quarter past nine
and at quarter past ten it was in her.

There was a young man named Tensill
Whose organ was shaped like a pencil.
Anaemic, 'tis true,
But an excellent screw,
Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile.

There was a young man named Tupper
who took a young lady to supper.
They sat down to dine
at a quarter past nine
and at quarter past ten it was up her.

There was a young man of Australia
who painted his arse like a dahlia.
The drawing was fine,
The colour divine,
But the scent - alas - was a failure

There was a young man of Hong Kong
Who sported a metre of prong.
It looked, when erect,
As one would expect,
When coiled, it did not seem so long.

There was a young man of Rangoon
Who farted and filled a balloon
The balloon went so high
That it stuck in the sky
And stunk out the man in the moon.

There was a young monk from Tibet,
And this is the strangest one yet -
His prick was so long,
So pointed and strong,
He could bugger six Greeks en brochette.

There was a young novice called Bell
Who didn't like cunt all that well.
He would finger and fuck one,
But never could suck one,
He just couldn't get used to the smell.

There was a young pervert from Mayence
Who flicked his own arse in defiance
Not only of habit
And morals but - dammit -
Most of the known laws of science.

There was a young plumber called Lee,
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea.
She said "Stop your plumbing,
there's somebody coming".
Said the plumber, (still plumbing), it's me.

There was a young sailor from Wales
Who could piss with precision in gales
From the top-gallant spar
he would pee in a jar
Without even wetting the sails

There was a young Scot from Dumfries
Who said to his girl, 'If you please,
It would give me great joy
If with this you could toy,
Then pay some attention to these.'

There was a young squaw of Chokdunt
Who had a collapsible cunt.
Though it had many uses,
It made no papooses,
But fitted both giant and runt.

There was a young stud from Glenchasm
Who had a stupendous orgasm.
In the midst of his thrall
He burst both his balls,
And covered an acre with plasm.

There was a young stud from Missouri
Who fucked with astonishing fury,
'Til taken to court
For his vigorous sport,
And condemned by a poorly-hung jury.

There was a young stud in Madrid
Who got fifty good fucks for a quid.
When they said, 'Aren't you faint?'
He replied, 'No, I ain't,
But I don't feel as well as I did.'

There was a young student named brand
who adored caressing his gland
but he viewed with distaste
the gelatinous paste
that it left in the palm of his hand

There was a young tyro called Fyffe
Who married the love of his life.
But imagine his pain
When he struggled in vain,
And just couldn't enter his wife.

There was a young vampire named Mable,
who's periods were highly unstable,
but every full moon,
she'd pull out a spoon,
and drink herself under the table!

There was a young vicar named Binns
Who thought of religion and things.
But his secret desire was a boy in the choir
With an arse like jelly on springs

There was a young vicar of Eltham
Who wouldn't fuck girls, but he felt 'em.
In lanes he would linger
And play stinky finger,
And moan with delight when he smelt 'em.

There was a young virgin from Bude
Whose proclivities were often viewed
With distrust by the males
For she'd fondle their rails,
But never would let them intrude.

There was a young whore from Tashkent
Who commanded an immoral rent.
Day out and day in
She lay writhing in sin,
Giving thanks it was ten months to Lent.

There was a young widow from Kent
With a cunt of enormous extent,
And so deep and so wide,
The acoustics inside
Formed an echo whenever you spent.

There was a young woman from Bicester
More willing by far than her sister.
The sister would giggle
And wriggle and jiggle,
But this one would come if you kissed her.

There was a young woman from Bude
Who went on the stage in the nude
When a voice from the front
Said there's a strong smell of cunt
Just like that, bloody rude

There was a young woman from Dalnorrie
Who once got fucked in a quarry
She lay on her back
And opened her crack
And the driver backed in with his lorry..

There was a young woman from Denver,
Who liked to go off on a bender,
While she sucked down the booze,
I'd tickle her cooze,
Then lift up her dress and rear-end her.

There was a young woman from Leith
Who enjoyed sucking foreskin through her teeth
It wasn't for money
or anything funny
It was for the cheesy bits underneath

There was a young woman from Nod,
who thought she had a baby by God
But it wasn't the almighty,
that slipped up her nightie,
it was the vicar the dirty old sod

There was a young woman named Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd let fly a great fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.

There was a young woman named Gloria
Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier,
By six other men,
Sir Gerald again,
And the band of the Waldorf-Astoria.

There was a young woman named Hall
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire,
Front page, sporting section, and all.

There was a young woman named Hilda
who had an affair with a builder
he said that he would,
and he could and he should
and he did and it bloody near killed her

There was a young woman named Pam
who got on the train at West Ham
she tapped the conductor
he turned round and fucked her
and now she is pushing a pram

There was a young writer called Twain
Whose cock had a sinister stain.
And when he bent down,
You could see it was brown,
And was said to wash off in the rain.

There was an artist named Tensill
Whose tool was as sharp as a pencil.
He drove through an actress,
The sheet and the mattress,
And shattered the bedroom utensil.

There was an experienced whore
Who knew all the coital lore.
She said, 'Though it pain us,
Men opt for my anus,
So now I don't fuck any more.'

There was an old abbess quite shocked.
She found nuns where the candles were locked.
Said the abbess, 'You nuns
Should behave more like guns,
And never go off till you're cocked.'

There was an old Bey from Calcutta
Who greased up his arsehole with butter.
Instead of the roar
Which emitted before,
Came a soft, oleaginous flutter.

There was an old fellow named Neville
and I'm telling you straight, on the level,
he's got a gut like a keg,
and one gammy leg,
and his feet smell like farts from the devil.

There was an old hooker from Grotten
Who plugged her diseased cunt with cotton.
For it was no myth
That she had the syph -
She stunk, and her arsehole was rotten.

There was an old hostler named Raines
Possessed of more bollocks than brains
He stood on a stool
To bugger a mule
And got kicked in the balls for his pains

There was an old king named Canute
Who was troubled by warts on his root.
He put acid on these,
And now when he pees,
He can finger his root like a flute.

There was an old lady from Drew,
who had absolutely fuck all to do,
so she sat on the stairs
counting pubic hairs,
three thousand four hundred & two.

There was an old lady from Nottingham
Who made meat pies with snot in 'em
She then added the turds
From various birds
And pulled off young dogs till they shot in 'em

There was an old lady from Spain
Who cocked her leg over a train
The train gave a shunt
And blew of her cunt
The poor old lady from Spain

There was an old lecher from Critch,
Had the syph and the clap and the itch.
His name was McNabs
And he also had crabs,
That dirty old son-of-a-bitch.

There was an old maid from Bermuda
Who shot a marauding intruder.
It was not her ire
At his lack of attire,
But he reached for her jewels as he screwed her.

There was an old man called Banocket
Who went to the moon in a rocket
The rocket went bang
His balls went clang
And they found his cock in his pocket

There was an old man from Bangore
Whose tool was a yard long or more.
He supported the thing
In a surgical sling
To prevent it from scuffing the floor

There was an old man from Bream
who invented the wanking machine
on the 99th stroke the fucking thing broke
and whipped his balls to cream

There was an old man from china
He wasn't a very good minor
He slipped on a rock
And cut off his cock
Now he has a vagina

There was an old man from China
Who thought he was a very good climber
he slipped on a rock
and broke his cock
and now he's got a vagina

There was an old man from Corfu
Who fed upon cunt juice and spew.
When he couldn't get that
He ate what he shat,
And bloody good shit he shat too.

There was an old man from Hockett
Who went up to space in a rocket
The rocket went bang!
His balls went clang!
and his dick ended up in his pocket

There was an old man from Nantucket
Who got blasted up in a rocket
The force of the blast
Blew his balls up his ass
And he found his cock in his pocket

There was an old man from Spain
who tied his balls to a train
the train went so fast
he burnt his arse
and said he will never do that again

There was an old man of Decatur
Who took out his trouser potater.
He tried at her dent
But when his thing bent,
He got down on his knees and he ate 'er.

There was an old roue named Tucker
Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker,
Said, 'Don't stretch out your lips
Like an elephant's hips,
Us chaps like it best if you pucker.'

There was an old tart from Looe
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said, with a grin,
'If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too.'

There was an old tart from Marseilles,
Washed her cunt with a high-pressure spray.
She said, "Ah that’s better,
I’ve found a French letter,
That’s been missing since last Christmas day".

There was an young man from Begot,
Who lived off of boogers and snot,
When he ran out of these,
He he lived off the cheese,
He scraped from his grandmothers twat.

There was and old lady from Spain,
Who cocked her leg on a train,
The train went grunt,
and ripped out her cunt,
and she never tried that again.

There was once an old Sheila called Maggie
Whose nips were hairy and saggy
When she opened her bucket
The blokes wouldn't fuck it
Cos both of her lips were baggy.

There were two rampant men of Lahore
Who buggered and fucked the same whore.
But the partition split
And both jism and shit
Leaked out in a gush on the floor.

This is a hole that never heals.
The more you rub it the better it feels
and all the soap from here to hell
can never get rid of that fuckin smell

This is the ballad of Mary Knox,
She gave 10000 men the pox.
Soldiers, sailors, men of honour
Fought like fuck to get upon her.
Now she’s dead but not forgotten,
cos her cunt was fucking rotten.

Those who write on bathroom walls
Wrap their shit in little balls
Those who read these words of wit
Eat those little balls of shit

Thus spake the old Bey from Algiers,
'I've been whoring around for long years,
And my language is blunt:
A cunt is a cunt
And rucking is fucking. '(Loud cheers).

To an artist a hubby named Bicket
Said "Turn your backside, and I'll kick it.
You have painted my wife
In the nude to the life.
Do you think foe a moment that's cricket?"

To his girl said the lynx-eyed detective,
'Is my eye sight the least bit defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of your west tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?'

Twinkle, twinkle little knob,
How she likes you in her gob.
When she feels that certain twitch,
She pulls it out that spiteful bitch.

Two fisherman would pull on their gators,
Then insert in their rectums vibrators.
Erect cocks they then took,
Spunked, and impaled on a hook,
Because they were both master baiters

Two innocent ladies from Grimsby
Inquired, 'Of what use can our quims be?
The hole in the middle
Is so we can piddle,
But for what can the hole near the rims be?'

Two ugly spinsters from Fordham
Went for a walk, out of boredom
And when they got back,
a sex maniac
Jumped out of a bush - and ignored 'em

We knows three young ladies from Buxton,
And whenever we meets 'em, we fucks 'em.
When that game grows stale
We sits on a rail,
Then pulls out our pricks, and they sucks 'em.

When a horny young curate in Leeds
Was discovered, one day in the weeds
Astride a young nun,
He cried, 'This is fun!
Far better than telling one's beads'.

When a woman in strapless attire
Found her breasts lifting higher and higher,
The guests formed a line
For the mantle was fine
And they all wished to stoke up the fire.

When all was done she gave a whine
Thank you boys for a lovely time
but for your pleasure you must pay
I've got the pox, have a nice day

When Angelico worked in cerise,
For an angel, he painted his niece.
In a heavenly trance
He whipped off her pants,
And erected a fine altar-piece.

When fucking a cat that is dead
avoid the vagina or head
their hot little anus
is rightly quite famous
or you could make your own hole instead

When his friend's turn came to pass,
He took in a bundle of grass
To make a soft buffer
To protect, when he stuffed her,
His prick if it poked through her arse.

When I sat by the Duchess at tea,
she said "do you fart when you pee?",
I said, with some wit,
"do you belch when you shit?",
and I thought that was one up for me.

When I was a little girl, I had a little quim,
I used to sit upon the bed
and stick my finger in.
Now I am a woman, and full of worldly charm.
I can get four fingers in, and half my fucking arm.

When I was just a lad,
I asked my mother what would I be,
She said I'll be handsome,
she said I'll be rich
She fucking lied to me

When you're growing old,and your balls get cold
and your dick turns blue at the end
and it sags in the middle
like a bow and a fiddle
your really fucked my friend

While driving along the highway
A horny young man he did play
He was masturbating
The car was vibrating
And the windscreen got covered in spray.

While oggling a statue of Venus
A man started rubbing his penis
"She don't need no arms,
To show me her charms"
They're dirty pricks, museum cleaners.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it wanted to go to the toilet
Why did it want to go to the toilet?
Because thats where the cocks hang out!!

Yankee Doodle went to town
a riding on his mother
Every time they hit a bump
he got another brother!

Yanky Doodle went to town
swimming in the river
struck his dick upon a stick
and his willy started to shiver.

Yet one more, whose excitable gland
Made him think this adventure was grand,
Thought fucking cold meat
An unusual treat,
'Til a tit came adrift in his hand.

You'd think it was some some sort of crime
Having a penis like mine
The last whore I tried
Took one look and cried
"I'll charge you by the foot, not the time!"

Young Fred had a sensitive cock,
But in Sydney he kept it in hock
'Til a trip to "The Alice"
Excited his phallus
And with semen he covered Ayres Rock

Zippy and Bungle went to the jungle
Just to have some fun
Zippy was silly
Stuck out his willy
And shoved it up Bungle's bum

HOME : NEXT