ONE LINERS
A lady went to her doctor for a check-up. when asked how she got the bruises on the outside of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex. The doctor then told her she would have to change positions until the bruises healed. She replied "Oh doctor, I can't... my dog's breath is awful!"
One day a man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the bathroom urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the bathroom. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further hour trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth.
A fellow went off on his honeymoon, and after returning meets up with a friend for a beer and conversation. The friend, being single and a pervert to boot, begins to inquire as to the festivities of the honeymoon. "So, Bob, big married man, did ya get any while you were out there?" the friend asks. Bob just shakes his head. "Ah, you know me. I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend gasps. "You mean you didn't have no sex? C'mon, Bob, tell me at least got a blowjob!" Bob again shakes his head. "Naw, she had pyorrhoea, so I just fished. You know I like to fish." His friend replies, "Bob, she's your god damn wife! She's gotta give it up when you say! You should just made her do it!" Bob replies, "Nah, she had gonorrhoea, and you know me. I like to fish, so I just fished." His friend, now quite upset, says, "What?! Why didn't ya just pork it up her ass?" "Well," says Bob, "she had diarrhoea...and you know me, I like to fish. So I just fished." His friend, totally exasperated by this point, shouts at him, "Jesus! Why'd you marry this sick bitch anyway?!" Bob replies, "Well, she got worms, and you know how I like to fish..."
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?" Dr. Smith says "Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."
Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her faeces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder. "Hey, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."
There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother. One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you get on tonight Dear?" asked her mother. "Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job." "Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!" "Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down. "My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she replied. "What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!" The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have kinky sex. When they get to her house she turns to the man and says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable." She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black dominatrix outfit. However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on his coat and walking out the door. "What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?" He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done."
Jack and Jill were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross." Jill said, "Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date, you'll take me." So Jack said okay. Well, Jack couldn't find a date so he went with Jill. They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross." Jill said, "Come on. It'll be fun." So Jack said okay, and they had a great time. After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, It would be gross." Jill said, "We'll just talk, we don't talk anymore." So Jack said okay. They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat. Jill said, "Come on, Jack, take me." Jack didn't argue. When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured, "You're a lot lighter than dad." Jack said back, "I know. Mom told me last night."
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"
The red cross have just knocked at our door and ask if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan I said we would love to, but our hose only reaches the bottom of the garden.
Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever." The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long." The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life." The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?" The other replies no. "How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?" To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"
This man goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblet. Thinking this is normal, as he has never done it before continues eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds a piece of carrot in his mouth. Still thinking this is normal he continues. Soon after he finds a piece of meat and stands up. "Excuse me miss, but are you sick?" She looks at him and replies "No, but the last customer was!"
Eric got the feeling that his girlfriend
wasn't being as faithful as she claimed
Little girl is in the bath with daddy. She notices daddy's penis. She asks, what's that daddy? Oh that's my penis he replies. When will I get one of those she asks? Daddy replies, as soon as mummy has gone to bingo!
A man wakes up in his bed one morning with a stinking hangover. He looks to his left and a stunning blonde is lying there, she sees him, jumps on him and screws him senseless. She then goes to the toilet. So he gets up to check his wallet, thinking he has been robbed. To his surprise his wallet is full of £50 notes. He wonders what the hells going on, so he takes a look outside the
bedroom window, he sees that the Klu Klux Klan are outside. With that a genie appears.
Genie. "Do you remember anything about last night?"
Guy. "No"
Genie. "Well last night you found a lamp, rubbed it, I appeared and granted you three wishes:
Your 1st wish, you asked for a beautiful blonde in your bed.
Your 2nd wish, you asked for a wallet full of money.
Your 3rd wish, you asked to be hung like a black man.
So what's your problem?
A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out. This man comes over and says, "What's wrong little girl?" The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff. The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girls parents mangled in the rocks below. The man turns round and undoing his flies says, "I guess it just isn't your lucky day"!!!
A woman bought a mirror at a car boot sale. She mounted it on the wall, then she said, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, make my bust a forty four. There was a flash of light and her bust was a forty four.
Her husband came home, saw the transformation and asked how she'd done it. She told him, so he went to the mirror and said, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, make my dick touch the floor!" There was a flash of light and his legs fell off.
A man was walking along the beach one evening, and he saw a woman with no arms and no legs, and she was crying. He walked over and asked what was wrong. She replied, "I'm 21 years old, I've got no arms or legs and I've never been kissed".
Feeling sorry for her he bent down and kissed her.
Later on he saw her crying again. He asked her what was wrong, and she replied, "I'm 21 years old, I've got no arms or legs and I've never been fucked."
So he picks her up and throws her into the sea, saying, "You're fucked now lady!"
A girl and some friends were going to the cinema, the girl had to go and ask her dad if she could go. He replied, "You can go to the cinema if you suck my dick," the girl said , "No way!" but after a while she thought about it and decided she wanted to go, so she went back in and sucked his dick. After she had finished she turned to her dad and said, "Your dick tastes of shit!" He replied, "I know, your brother wanted to go out as well".
A man goes to the tattooist and asked for a tattoo of a butterfly on each cheek of his bum. The tattooist said that he couldn't do butterflies, but he could do bees. The man thought about it for a while and then agreed. When they were complete he rushed home to show his wife who said, "Very nice dear, who's Bob?"
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders the biggest, strongest drink for the boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father shocked, begs the son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks god.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.. then to the right.. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "that boy should have quit while he was a head."
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(10 Mar 1994, Fred West, builder, charged with murdering 8 women after bodies dug from his house in Gloucester)
Peter Sutcliff picks up a girl in his car. Straight away he puts his hand up her skirt and touches her fanny. She says, "You can cut that out now!" "That'll come later", he says.
Three women were in the waiting room of a gynaecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.
The first one stopped and took a pill. "What was that?" The others asked her.
"Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy."
A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked.
"Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong." They continued knitting.
Finally the third woman took a pill. "What was that?" the others asked her.
"It was thalidomide," she said, "I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!"
